12:08 AM
//ella habla; usted escucha
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
tuned in;
sometimes, your life`s biggest enemy is yourself.
it`s no wonder why mistakes are then often repeated.
because you`re the result of the decision(s) you have made.
i am definitely somewhat discouraged but i must carry on.
i can`t afford to lose. i hate losing.
maybe things are happening in a way so that we`ll all be able to grow up.
but just not the way that i(or we) like it, that`s all.
but i know i have a lot of dependable pillar of strengths.
they`re there. but please.
just as i am going to open to you, you can`t not catch me.
i might fall. but if you promise, i`ll have the courage to continue.
10:48 PM
//ella habla; usted escucha
Sunday, September 03, 2006
tuned in;
within about 5 hours and i`ll probably be out of their sight in the airport. won`t be back for approximately 5 months.
how will things turn out?
it`s hard to expect how things are like in guilin and what will things become in singapore.
i`m already expecting tonnes of astonishing things to happen back here in singapore while i`m away and anticipating lotsa adventure while in guilin.
feeling skeptical is not enough to describe how i`m feeling.
as i see my 3 bao beis and you wei taking the train in the opposite direction to changi airport and i`m actually going home on my own, it felt really wrong. i was like feeling weird because i was like always taking the role of sending people off and not the one being sent off. it`s just worrying. i don`t know how i`ll feel later. i hope for no tears and more hugs and smiles. that`s all i ask.
would that wish be answered? would i be forgiven? would you even understand?
please do.
2:22 AM
//ella habla; usted escucha
Saturday, September 02, 2006
tuned in;
i see the luggage half packed in front of me and all of a sudden i don`t believe that i`ll be gone within 2 days for 5 months. it sure feels unreal...
i`m not sure if i made full use of my 1 last week in singapore, but i am sure to have found out many things all over the place. not that they are all good news...so...i`m slightly lost.
i find it hard to understand and tell what i`m feeling because i`ve not felt like this in a long time. and precisely since it`s been a long time i felt that way, the worse part therefore lies in me unable to differentiate between those feelings.
do you even understand what i`m driving at everytime i tell you 'i don`t know' or 'give me some more time to think it over'? i`m just not sane enough or ready now to give you any proper answer. and it`s getting increasingly difficult when i see the hurt in your eyes when i run away time and time again. you tell me you dont need any committment but you`re pushing me into giving you an answer. what`s with the contradiction? i want us to take things slower. i don`t want myself to repeat the same mistake they made.
and then often than not, i ask myself...
haven`t you seen enough examples? didn`t you promised yourself?
i think i had about enough. i want to tell you the truth. i want you to see things the way i do. and i will do it when i don`t have to see the hurt in your eyes. or having to hide my tears in front of you. this is it.
i really want to go to china with a happy heart. i really do.
spare me the complications. thanks.
1:37 AM
//ella habla; usted escucha
Thursday, August 24, 2006
tuned in;
2 papers down. 1 last one to go.
it`s 0217 hours in the morning now. and i`ve yet to go through sm at least once for the more important chapters. how dead.
but i`m still really motivated to tide through this final paper. because like i just said, it`s the FINAL one. and after that, it`s goodbye to exams, goodbye to projects, goodbyes to presentations! my god, that sure sounded comforting.
on the contrary, it`s hello to reports, hello to discussion boards, hello to independence and hello to farewell.
fen,
10 days left.
treasure it.
or not you`ll lose it.
2:20 AM
//ella habla; usted escucha
Monday, August 21, 2006
tuned in;
1 (e-marketing) paper down. 2 more (marcom and sm) to go.
and then it would be 10 days to china.
am i supposed to happy, excited, overwhelmed, upset or confused about this attachment?
sometimes i really wonder.
why do i always end up regretting decisions made?
or is it regret that i`m feeling?
or is it just some confusion?
beats me.
but really, i`m still looking forward to the things i`ll get to see, get to learn, get to experience.
it`ll be totally new and challenging.
and the best part is i have 4 other companions with me, thank god.
it would have felt much worse if i were to go to mary kay alone or something. ha.
have better start making a list of things to bring, a list of what i`m lacking and need to buy and so on. i feel so unprepared all of the sudden, and this applies for my other 2 papers on wednesday and thursday. today`s e-marketing was tyco. i can definitely secure a pass, not asking for more based on the effort i put in. so ya. that`s for that.
-------------------------------------------------------------
20th august 2006
1st edt graduation.
surprising it felt so much shorter than it truly was. ndo graduation felt longer as well. but maybe because you`re part of it, everything seems to feel shorter and more unreal. it just went by in a flash.
but i love the 6 weeks. i loved the lessons. i loved the games. but most importantly, i love the experience.
but congratulations guys! we pulled through. regardless if we graduate, to me that`s not so important. (or perhaps it`s easy for me to say since i really graduated at the end.)
so what did i get?
graduation with merits
most united team - miracles
most professional image
but i really have lotsa people to thank. i missed out so many when i was given the chance. and that special individual award came like a shockwave. totally unplanned and it made me feel watched when i was up there on stage. argh. lol. mr alexx knew but refuse to tell me! at least let me prepare la!!! =/
lao gong received most potential newcomer! really congrats for that too! i think you are that short of being in the top 10 billboard. but i`m still proud of you all the same! (= continue being so enthusiastic and persistent in whatever you want kay? this applies to dora and minz too!
i know truly that this route we chose have been probably outcasted, condemned and turned away, but only then we achieve success will it be treasured! i will see all of you guys at the top! wait for me! i will not slack behind while i`m in china i promise. update me please!!!
and really, what i wanted to say on stage yesterday was this -
thank you one and all for guiding me along the way, in one way or the other. it doesn`t matter if it was positive or sarcastic remarks, it only serve to push me further.
to be perfectly honest, i really couldnt have done it alone. there are a team of people i really have to thank. they gave unconditionally and supported me through out my fight, regardless in or out of nti. i really owe it to this bunch of 战友. my 3 宝贝 lingz, minz and dora. you wei, ms yvonne, mr kent, mr calvin, mr james, 领导 mr howard and 老大 mr alexx for believing in me. for team miracles, thanks for being such a fun to get along team mates and i really enjoyed my time with you guys, especially my 2 enthusiastic cute girls huiying and tiffany! things could have been very different without you girls to push me along! also not forgetting mr rick, mr dan and mr travis for stirring me at times to motivate me to graduate! alot more sidelines, uplines as well. i also want to thank mengqing and emmanuel for believing in me, for joining me as my first 2 downlines. i really appreciate your trust and support thus far. the road ahead may not seem the easiest, but i promise i will be here for you!
5:50 PM
//ella habla; usted escucha
Sunday, August 13, 2006
tuned in;
another journey will begin in approximately 3 weeks` time.
what would i become?
that is 1 question i really hope i could visualise the answer.
skeptical feelings are overwhelming but i will definitely still go.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
on a sidenote,
it has been a tough semester for me. but i overcame.
i`m proud of myself. at least to a certain extent.
are you proud of me?
i think i was never pushed to my limits as much as i have been for this integrated presentation. there were so many first times during this period of preparations that i truly feel i`ve grown up and found people i could really trust and depend on.
all the times when i was really down and out, you guys were here for me. so thanks for being here. i know it would have been unachievable without you guys.
thanks mr alexx. mr rick. - you guys made me believe in my own capabilities. that i was made for bigger things in life. that i wasn`t like the rest. thanks for being my vacuum cleaner in such times of need.
thanks bao beis. you wei. mr calvin. yvonne. meng qing. - for being ever supportive and caring for me.
thanks fat bunch (rui, yang, fanny & paul). - for volunteering to help and giving me ever so important words of belief and encouragement.
you guys would never have thought simple things that you guys have done would have made a difference. but it surely did.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
i`ve got very confused emotions now, i`m wondering why.
on one hand, i`m really really very lazy because i`ve gotten past the really tiring period of marketing specialization and is only left with the exams... so where`s the motivation to carry on? i need to find it quick. exams is in 1 week.
and on the other, i really want to buck up and fight. i don`t know how to explain this. but there`s just so many goals i haven`t reached and accomplished which i promise i will.
ok, i know this may seem a very confusing and perhaps even conflicting blog entry.
but maybe that`s because that`s what i`m feeling right now?
-confused, conflicted but happy-
*shrugs.
3:56 PM
//ella habla; usted escucha