went back to toh yi today. that`s my old house area if you didn`t know. anyway. went back to attend a funeral. luckily my sister was with me, if not i`ll would have been so afraid. afterall, who of our age would need to attend to any funeral alone? i have no idea how to explain what`s the relationship between me and the deceased. but she was someone who was very close to me. if i had went back to visit on 10th of october earlier this year, i would have been able to see her one last time. but i didn`t. blamed myself there but i guess it was all part of god`s plan. but i know she`s moved off to a better, painless place. right with god.
i`m shocked i mention god. i haven`t been having my own quiet time daily and i believed i have forsaken him time and again. and yet, i still know deep in my heart that he`s there for me. i admit that i`ve backslided. afterall, i was never born in a christian family. it wasn`t by chance that i was sent to 2 christian schools in a row - pei hwa and fairfield. i received him in primary 3 during a church camp. glory presbyterian church if i remembered correctly. yeah. i rememberd vaguely of how i used to be very close to preacher ng who`s now helping in missionary work outside of singapore. i used to hang out in her office instead of indulging in hop-scotch or whatsoever. memerizing verses were one of my favourite things to do then. where did my passion for god go to?
exactly because my family aint christians, it is very difficult for me to attend church. besides, i dare not ask my parents if i`m allowed. i used to be able to attend to chapel services since pei hwa and fairfield both had it. and thus, i never was able to leave god. and i chose to believe. however, it is different now. i find it extremely difficult to know god more. i got to this stage that i`ve forgotten what is quiet time and praying when there was trouble. and i feel ashamed for that. i see people not going for church when they could. i don`t understand it sometimes. people tend to speak of the religion, but not practicing it.
this entry is of no offence to anyone. i am merely speaking from my point of view, not pinpointing on anyone.
the fact that i know that i backslide is not helping. i know and truly understand that if i reach out, god is definitely still there. but i am far too ashamed to move forward to receiving his love once more. to be honest, i have not felt his love like others speak of. the feeling of refreshment, rejuvenation or satisfaction. none of those. but i still chose to believe. i just failed to have the discipline. it`s easy to speak of the religion, indeed. but so very difficult to practice it.
i remembered speaking to chanho when he was walking away from god. then, all i had in mind was to bring him back. but in actual fact, i myself had not experienced it. i`m not sure how it actually feels. but i just didn`t want to see a believer slipping away. i try many failed attempts to read the god`s word daily. it just seem so impossible. i`m not sure what you consider as "real christians". pardon me on that part since i do not know how to speak of it. but if you get my point, i just feel disappointed in myself and really ashamed. who am i to believe in such a lover of all things?
performed by plus one
who am i
that you know me by my name
that you call me friend
invite me in to be with you
i don`t know why
you love me this way
`cause i`m nothing at all still you call
and make me new
who am i without your love?
i cannot live without your torch
you hold my hand and
walk me through
all i need is you
who am i without your love?
i cannot breathe without your torch
you make me complete
i bow at your feet
for me you came to die
who am i
you were there creating the world
put the stars in the sky
god of heavenly light what can i do
now you`re here with a love
that`s so real
and i give you my life as a sacrifice
to honor you
i`m overwhelmed and overcome
by what you do and all you`ve done
that you can count me one of your sons
