Tuesday, March 15, 2005
tuned in;
try asking me if i`m happy right now. i`ll give you a straight forward no for an answer. to be perfectly honest, i`m feeling like crap. when the more you try to make yourself feel better, it`s especially hard and it makes me feel even more miserable altogether. the days pass by slowly, so much so i can even hear my own heart beating.
when i`m alone, my mind wanders. everytime, there`s so many if onlys. but if there weren`t all the if onlys and what ifs, i wouldn`t be who i am today. and no one would ever need to feel upset, angry or whatsoever. and everytime my mind moves off into space, it just stops at this person and this junction. it always stops here. all those times that i thought so little of turn out to be so important. indeed, i have taken you for granted. too much. all those times i`ve failed to recognise how important you meant to me. till now.
when the tears can`t hold on any longer, it often see nothing else but my faithful pillow in the wee hours at night. it is not a routine but a let loose. i cannot express my relief everytime it happens. but at the same time some pain deep down in my heart. there`s so much to say, but just too hard to find the words. all i wish was you to know what i am thinking deep down, that i`m not trying to blame, but trying to save the situation before i choose to let go. i don`t know how long i can hold on to this, but i don`t want to let go.
too many things going on in my mind, too little time to search for answers.
12:05 AM
//ella habla; usted escucha
