Wednesday, July 19, 2006
tuned in;
worn out.
even to myself, i dare not admit it.
but really, sometimes it just feels like shit at times. and it always happens when i`m alone. i have enough of those nights that it was uncontrollable. i hate myself for being too weak. why do i feel so small? so powerless? so inferior?
i want to adapt to changes quick enough to keep up. but maybe i`m just not good enough.
but no, even if i`m not good enough. i will not quit. because that`s what losers always end up doing. and i will never accept being a loser.
i don`t know why i`m feeling all emo over maybe something very small. but that`s what i`m feeling right now. i wonder if it`s because there are too many small things happening at the same time that resulted in an enlarged effect on me. i just feel stretched to the limit. and i see the need to prove myself. i want to find the way out of all this.
to be honest, what`s wrong with putting up a happy front so that at least i won`t hurt anybody or make anyone feel bad? it`s always better to be affected alone rather than make the whole group feel bad together. it`s just not the way i want things to work out. of course it may be tough handling alone, but i hate to affect everyone else because of my own problems.
i realise it`s always easier to be someone`s problem solver than to be your own.
why are we always stuck when it comes to settling our own problem?
why is it so hard to just be happy?
i dont know, but is it that hard to be happy?
maybe it was timing that was wrong. maybe i just need to get past all this to become stronger mentally and spiritually.
but no matter what it is, i will get through it. i believe i will. and i can.
2:06 AM
//ella habla; usted escucha
