soledad;facade.

2006-09-20T00:08:00.000-07:00

now it seem like 2 weeks passed in a flash. but i seriously won`t mind it going even faster for now.
i`m starting to miss home. miss everyone. miss you.
i wanted so much to be here but now it kinda made me realize that warmth really comes from home.
i really hope you guys miss me too! =P

20 weeks more to go. i`ll pull through.
it`s been an eye-opening 2 weeks and i believe it`ll continue to be a very different experience.
wish me luck guys and pray for me.
i`ll be home really soon! wait for me to have all the fun that you guys are having now!!

on a sidenote, i guess the experience involved us to give and take.
some troubles i do face when i`m here but i rather not think about it so that things will be less complicated for everybody.
i learn to give and take more and laugh things off more frequently.
we can`t afford for any mistakes because we`re being watched almost all the time.
and we are all that we have here. i don`t want to feel anymore lonely when i am already so far from home.

acting blur is my forte and sometimes the best tool to prevent a fight.
i`ve learnt that some personalities we can`t change, but complications avoidable.
give me the strength to carry on fighting when all my love ones are fighting their own battles wherever they may be.

we will all pull through and see each other at the finishing line.
encouragement and fighting spirit.
both of which i do have. i will find it.

-a sparkle amidst all.

2006-09-19T22:48:00.000-07:00

sometimes, your life`s biggest enemy is yourself.
it`s no wonder why mistakes are then often repeated.
because you`re the result of the decision(s) you have made.

i am definitely somewhat discouraged but i must carry on.
i can`t afford to lose. i hate losing.
maybe things are happening in a way so that we`ll all be able to grow up.
but just not the way that i(or we) like it, that`s all.

but i know i have a lot of dependable pillar of strengths.
they`re there. but please.
just as i am going to open to you, you can`t not catch me.
i might fall. but if you promise, i`ll have the courage to continue.

2006-09-03T02:22:00.000-07:00

within about 5 hours and i`ll probably be out of their sight in the airport. won`t be back for approximately 5 months.
how will things turn out?

it`s hard to expect how things are like in guilin and what will things become in singapore.
i`m already expecting tonnes of astonishing things to happen back here in singapore while i`m away and anticipating lotsa adventure while in guilin.
feeling skeptical is not enough to describe how i`m feeling.

as i see my 3 bao beis and you wei taking the train in the opposite direction to changi airport and i`m actually going home on my own, it felt really wrong. i was like feeling weird because i was like always taking the role of sending people off and not the one being sent off. it`s just worrying. i don`t know how i`ll feel later. i hope for no tears and more hugs and smiles. that`s all i ask.

would that wish be answered? would i be forgiven? would you even understand?
please do.

2006-09-02T01:37:00.000-07:00

i see the luggage half packed in front of me and all of a sudden i don`t believe that i`ll be gone within 2 days for 5 months. it sure feels unreal...

i`m not sure if i made full use of my 1 last week in singapore, but i am sure to have found out many things all over the place. not that they are all good news...so...i`m slightly lost.
i find it hard to understand and tell what i`m feeling because i`ve not felt like this in a long time. and precisely since it`s been a long time i felt that way, the worse part therefore lies in me unable to differentiate between those feelings.

do you even understand what i`m driving at everytime i tell you 'i don`t know' or 'give me some more time to think it over'? i`m just not sane enough or ready now to give you any proper answer. and it`s getting increasingly difficult when i see the hurt in your eyes when i run away time and time again. you tell me you dont need any committment but you`re pushing me into giving you an answer. what`s with the contradiction? i want us to take things slower. i don`t want myself to repeat the same mistake they made.

and then often than not, i ask myself...
haven`t you seen enough examples? didn`t you promised yourself?

i think i had about enough. i want to tell you the truth. i want you to see things the way i do. and i will do it when i don`t have to see the hurt in your eyes. or having to hide my tears in front of you. this is it.

i really want to go to china with a happy heart. i really do.
spare me the complications. thanks.

2006-08-24T02:20:00.000-07:00

2 papers down. 1 last one to go.

it`s 0217 hours in the morning now. and i`ve yet to go through sm at least once for the more important chapters. how dead.

but i`m still really motivated to tide through this final paper. because like i just said, it`s the FINAL one. and after that, it`s goodbye to exams, goodbye to projects, goodbyes to presentations! my god, that sure sounded comforting.

on the contrary, it`s hello to reports, hello to discussion boards, hello to independence and hello to farewell.

fen,
10 days left.
treasure it.
or not you`ll lose it.

2006-08-21T17:50:00.000-07:00

1 (e-marketing) paper down. 2 more (marcom and sm) to go.
and then it would be 10 days to china.
am i supposed to happy, excited, overwhelmed, upset or confused about this attachment?

sometimes i really wonder.
why do i always end up regretting decisions made?
or is it regret that i`m feeling?
or is it just some confusion?
beats me.

but really, i`m still looking forward to the things i`ll get to see, get to learn, get to experience.
it`ll be totally new and challenging.
and the best part is i have 4 other companions with me, thank god.
it would have felt much worse if i were to go to mary kay alone or something. ha.

have better start making a list of things to bring, a list of what i`m lacking and need to buy and so on. i feel so unprepared all of the sudden, and this applies for my other 2 papers on wednesday and thursday. today`s e-marketing was tyco. i can definitely secure a pass, not asking for more based on the effort i put in. so ya. that`s for that.

-------------------------------------------------------------

20th august 2006
1st edt graduation.

surprising it felt so much shorter than it truly was. ndo graduation felt longer as well. but maybe because you`re part of it, everything seems to feel shorter and more unreal. it just went by in a flash.
but i love the 6 weeks. i loved the lessons. i loved the games. but most importantly, i love the experience.

but congratulations guys! we pulled through. regardless if we graduate, to me that`s not so important. (or perhaps it`s easy for me to say since i really graduated at the end.)

so what did i get?
graduation with merits
most united team - miracles
most professional image

but i really have lotsa people to thank. i missed out so many when i was given the chance. and that special individual award came like a shockwave. totally unplanned and it made me feel watched when i was up there on stage. argh. lol. mr alexx knew but refuse to tell me! at least let me prepare la!!! =/

lao gong received most potential newcomer! really congrats for that too! i think you are that short of being in the top 10 billboard. but i`m still proud of you all the same! (= continue being so enthusiastic and persistent in whatever you want kay? this applies to dora and minz too!

i know truly that this route we chose have been probably outcasted, condemned and turned away, but only then we achieve success will it be treasured! i will see all of you guys at the top! wait for me! i will not slack behind while i`m in china i promise. update me please!!!

and really, what i wanted to say on stage yesterday was this -

thank you one and all for guiding me along the way, in one way or the other. it doesn`t matter if it was positive or sarcastic remarks, it only serve to push me further.

to be perfectly honest, i really couldnt have done it alone. there are a team of people i really have to thank. they gave unconditionally and supported me through out my fight, regardless in or out of nti. i really owe it to this bunch of 战友. my 3 宝贝 lingz, minz and dora. you wei, ms yvonne, mr kent, mr calvin, mr james, 领导 mr howard and 老大 mr alexx for believing in me. for team miracles, thanks for being such a fun to get along team mates and i really enjoyed my time with you guys, especially my 2 enthusiastic cute girls huiying and tiffany! things could have been very different without you girls to push me along! also not forgetting mr rick, mr dan and mr travis for stirring me at times to motivate me to graduate! alot more sidelines, uplines as well. i also want to thank mengqing and emmanuel for believing in me, for joining me as my first 2 downlines. i really appreciate your trust and support thus far. the road ahead may not seem the easiest, but i promise i will be here for you!

2006-08-13T15:56:00.000-07:00

another journey will begin in approximately 3 weeks` time.

what would i become?
that is 1 question i really hope i could visualise the answer.

skeptical feelings are overwhelming but i will definitely still go.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

on a sidenote,
it has been a tough semester for me. but i overcame.
i`m proud of myself. at least to a certain extent.
are you proud of me?

i think i was never pushed to my limits as much as i have been for this integrated presentation. there were so many first times during this period of preparations that i truly feel i`ve grown up and found people i could really trust and depend on.
all the times when i was really down and out, you guys were here for me. so thanks for being here. i know it would have been unachievable without you guys.

thanks mr alexx. mr rick. - you guys made me believe in my own capabilities. that i was made for bigger things in life. that i wasn`t like the rest. thanks for being my vacuum cleaner in such times of need.
thanks bao beis. you wei. mr calvin. yvonne. meng qing. - for being ever supportive and caring for me.
thanks fat bunch (rui, yang, fanny & paul). - for volunteering to help and giving me ever so important words of belief and encouragement.
you guys would never have thought simple things that you guys have done would have made a difference. but it surely did.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

i`ve got very confused emotions now, i`m wondering why.

on one hand, i`m really really very lazy because i`ve gotten past the really tiring period of marketing specialization and is only left with the exams... so where`s the motivation to carry on? i need to find it quick. exams is in 1 week.

and on the other, i really want to buck up and fight. i don`t know how to explain this. but there`s just so many goals i haven`t reached and accomplished which i promise i will.

ok, i know this may seem a very confusing and perhaps even conflicting blog entry.
but maybe that`s because that`s what i`m feeling right now?
-confused, conflicted but happy-
*shrugs.

2006-08-07T01:39:00.000-07:00

叫我怎么放心得下？

我知道你们会在一群我相信的伙伴手里，但怎么我还是放心不下？
忐忑不安的自己，矛盾的思绪。

我快被惹疯了。
还是，我已经疯了呢？

最近的我，知道我的致命伤会是消极所带来的。
鸟事做得特别多。

我会努力积极。不能再这样下去。
为了我的宝贝们，我们加油！

2006-08-04T23:34:00.000-07:00

听好，我只是失望罢了。

我真的真的自认我是个爱朋友多于爱自己的人。
就算是可能用错了方式，他们不喜欢，或是误解我，那其实也无所谓。
我只需要知道我的出发点是好的，对得起自己就行了。
其他人的异样眼神我不在乎，因为我坚信朋友们迟早会明白我所做的事背后的用意。
但如果朋友真的觉得我做的，不仅没有帮到他，反而害了他，我会就此收手。

为了他们所追求的幸福，我会认输的。

我不会放弃他们，除非他们先以放弃了我。
但是，我是决不会帮一个不想帮自己的人。

我的脾气就是这么硬，那又怎样？
我很清楚这个缺点，所以我还在努力改善。

2006-07-30T09:53:00.000-07:00

no matter how tired or difficult it`s going to be,
i will pull through.

no matter how much others are going to put me down,
i will not let it affect me.

this is just a rough patch that i will get over.
i will only emerge stronger.

only the toughest survive in the game.
since when do you see winners actually giving up?

so, what makes you think i will give up?
i will not lose in the game of life.
never.

老大曾对我们说过‘你是你思想的成果。’
我真的相信他说的。
不能再浪费自己的时间，我得努力努力再努力！
然而，一而再的困难挫折总会让人想放弃。
可是我也知道我不是自己一个孤军奋战着，因为我有一群知心的朋友伴我同行。

谢谢你们相信我，不离开我，和陪伴着我一起奋斗下去。
我知道如果没有你们，我早就放弃了。

力量无限的我们，就只是需要一股推动力而已。

2006-07-19T02:06:00.000-07:00

worn out.

even to myself, i dare not admit it.
but really, sometimes it just feels like shit at times. and it always happens when i`m alone. i have enough of those nights that it was uncontrollable. i hate myself for being too weak. why do i feel so small? so powerless? so inferior?

i want to adapt to changes quick enough to keep up. but maybe i`m just not good enough.
but no, even if i`m not good enough. i will not quit. because that`s what losers always end up doing. and i will never accept being a loser.

i don`t know why i`m feeling all emo over maybe something very small. but that`s what i`m feeling right now. i wonder if it`s because there are too many small things happening at the same time that resulted in an enlarged effect on me. i just feel stretched to the limit. and i see the need to prove myself. i want to find the way out of all this.

to be honest, what`s wrong with putting up a happy front so that at least i won`t hurt anybody or make anyone feel bad? it`s always better to be affected alone rather than make the whole group feel bad together. it`s just not the way i want things to work out. of course it may be tough handling alone, but i hate to affect everyone else because of my own problems.

i realise it`s always easier to be someone`s problem solver than to be your own.
why are we always stuck when it comes to settling our own problem?
why is it so hard to just be happy?

i dont know, but is it that hard to be happy?
maybe it was timing that was wrong. maybe i just need to get past all this to become stronger mentally and spiritually.

but no matter what it is, i will get through it. i believe i will. and i can.

2006-07-17T01:39:00.000-07:00

we can`t quit. we won`t.

there`s just so much to achieve. i am not going to let go of this chance to improve, to change and to excel.

i know it`s taxing for you girls, i really do understand because i`m going through all of it too. although we all have our separate difficulties.... but try thinking about it, if we tide through it, we will emerge as winners!

like what i told huiling,
'i may not guarantee that we will make it in time, BUT we will surely get there. i cannot say we will always be happy, BUT i promise i will be here for you!'

aja aja hoiting girls!
it`s the process we are experiencing. it will be an unforgettable learning experience.
we will grow and we will outshine.
quitters never win, winners never quit!

2006-07-02T00:27:00.000-07:00

to be perfectly honest, i can feel the change in me already.
the power of teamwork, trust and passion.

seriously, would you prefer to enjoy life now and slog like hell when you`re older OR tough work now and enjoyment for the rest of your life? the second seems more tempting ain`t it? so what are you waiting for?

i`ve learnt so much within just a few weeks. it feels like i`ve matured without realising!

i dare to dream. do you?

the bond among the peihwa girls (lol) have strengthened tremendously and i`m sure this friendship will not fail! we shall be the best tag team ever! i have trust in them and i strongly believe that we will pull through all those obstacles! they only serve to make us stronger! all the objections, rejections and cold blankets! we will overcome them all! jiayou! =) cheers!

2006-06-19T10:37:00.000-07:00

all men will die someday, but not all men actually lived.

extract - brave heart

2006-06-01T06:15:00.000-07:00

the worst interview i ever had.

i think i never felt as lousy as i did today during my oiap interview.
thank god there was paul.

2006-05-23T00:46:00.000-07:00

那一刻，情绪沸腾的自己，紧抓着裤脚，忍着在眼里盘旋的眼泪。

那被泪水模糊的视线，
到底还能支撑多久？
我不太晓得，
但也不期待。

挫折会让人成长没错，
不过过多的试练会叫人气馁或是认输。

就算是好强的人也是会有倒下的瞬间。

凡是被推向极限的人，
会在什么情况下崩溃？

2006-05-13T15:54:00.000-07:00

attractiveness of it all-
踏实，认真，努力，稳重

well, it seem almost unlikely or even impossible to find these qualities all in one.
to compromise?
probably never.

------------------------------------------

下一次微笑
performed by 杨丞琳

上一次微笑之後
世界遗漏了什麽
怎麽会突然忘了许多感动

难过的事总有好多
头顶的天空总是灰蒙蒙
流泪的时候却忘了为什麽
淡红色指头
陪我煎熬
黑夜破晓
在嘴边咬了又咬

我好想忘掉
为何烦恼
对着天空大声的叫

下次微笑
你会看到
我真心上扬的嘴角
有人会在天涯海角种一片草原
看我奔跑

下次微笑
我会骄傲
放晴的感觉多麽好
不放弃总会
等得到我那熬过风暴
真的微笑

难过的事总有好多
头顶的天空总是灰蒙蒙
流泪的时候却忘了为什麽
淡红色指头
陪我煎熬
黑夜破晓
在嘴边咬了又咬

我好想忘掉
为何烦恼
对着天空大声的叫

下次微笑
你会看到
我真心上扬的嘴角
有人会在天涯海角种一片草原
看我奔跑

下次微笑
我会骄傲
放晴的感觉多麽好
不放弃总会
等得到我那熬过风暴
真的微笑

下次微笑
你会看到
我真心上扬的嘴角
有人会在天涯海角种一片草原
看我奔跑

下次微笑
我会骄傲
放晴的感觉多麽好

不放弃总会
等得到我那熬过风暴
真的微笑
真的微笑

2006-05-10T20:52:00.000-07:00

虽然你的脸孔开始渐渐不清楚，

但你的影子我挥之不去。

2006-05-07T15:39:00.000-07:00

school`s havent really been hectic(yet), but it just got its ways of making me feel lousy about myself already.
feeling an all time low.

你要我怎能忘了眼神交叉的那瞬间。

2006-05-03T01:18:00.000-07:00

interesting trip to tampin and back.
not exactly well spent 3 days back in malaysia, but at least i managed to catch up with my relatives and those cousins that i`ve not seen for like maybe 5-6 years? =D

didnt even sleep a wink the day before i set off back to tampin cos i had work till 1 and went to macpherson for chilli crab with agnes, bala, tyler, hafiz and ronny. by the time i was home, i might as well stay up till we had to go. unlucky us had to bear with the undying heat in our train cabin as the blardy aircon was spoilt. we suffered through the 4 hours trip to tampin(lucky we only got on the ktm train from johor bahru) and i could barely even try to sleep, which apparently, was my original plan. shagged as i was, i was still very excited to see my relatives, especially my 4th uncle whom i`ve not met in a long time now.

once we reached tampin, we were warmly welcomed by all our relatives and boy, it sure felt good to see those familiar faces. we actually had plans to head down to malacca and famosa on our 2nd day but it didn`t happen in the end, i wonder why. lol. not much shopping since it`s such a small town with very little to offer us singaporeans. my sister, on the hand managed to find loads of things to buy....

oh oh, before i forget, malaysia`s food is x100 better than ours. even their lousiest seem to be better than our best(of what i can afford la). lol. the noodles are damn fantastic can? =D maybe it was also because the company i had while i was eating made the food even better...

i struggled and eventually dozed off in the living room while my mother and sisters were chatting with 4th uncle and auntie when we were staying over at my uncle`s place that night. i was sent up and fell asleep immediately due to the lack of sleep since the day before.

the 2nd day was mostly spent talking to my cousins and their boyfriends. boy, now then i realise that my cousins are all attached! lucky them. seem like they are all happy and blissful and i`m really happy for them! =) that night after dinner we were suppose to meet jiahui(4th uncle eldest daughter) who was still in famosa to go drinking. we ended up staying in tampin due to some unforeseen circumstances but we sure didn`t regret what we enjoyed exclusively that night. my 2 sisters and i, brought around by my cousin bo came to this alfresco-concept sort of pub. there was this stage allowing customers to go on live karokae.

it was still quite packed when we just arrived but gradually the crowd lighten and only our table and this table of uncles remained. my sister and i sang a song, when my sister was, i suppose quite high after alot of beer(i mean alot, 4 of us had over 20 bottles of beer). some of bo`s friends came to join us and jiahui also joined us. and the climax of the night was when the gang(about 10 of them) of mid-fourties men were dancing and singing like mad asses on the stage when apparently they seem to be drank and high. they were celebrating of the men`s birthday and they dedicated many songs along the way that whole night. now, the climax that i`ve yet to mention is that when alex tu`s all time stupid song [tuo diao] came on air...it was only natural that these men went absolutely nuts over it. it was still perfectly acceptable when they tore away their tee shirts and polo tees, but when some of them started to remove their bottoms, you could guess the reaction on our faces. we were either shocked, laughing or just simply amused.

since when did malaysians become so open-minded was all my sister could ask.
even bo and jiahui was totally shocked. they have not seen such a sight themselves! damn amusing la! and the next best part was my sister(the one who was high) still could walk up front towards the stage, take our her camera phone and tried to snap them! ahahahaha. actually, at that point in time i was quite scared and worried that those men might attack her but we got bo to go forward to bring her back before anything could happen. but now when i`m thinking about it, it`s really just funny!!! you guys should actually just see that sight...

we drank all the way till about 3 before heading for supper/breakfast and finally got home at about 4 plus 5. i`m telling you, i was like just shagged. couldn`t sleep much since we had to wake up together with the rest to get fetched down to the shop from our uncle`s place. that`s why for the last day i`m there, i barely did anything but just eat, rest, eat somemore and do some final catching up before we were packing our bags and preparing to leave for the train station.

and i`m telling you, you can`t believe what happen in the train.

can you guess?

i hope you got it right. there was no aircon again!
i almost went nuts. the rest of the cabins in the train was like freaking cold and everyone was like clad in thousand of layers and jackets. on the exact opposite, all of us in my cabin was fanning ourselves and even changing to shorts to keep ourselves cool. it was like hell bad luck. the only redeeming factor i guess was that i had a cute guy sitting in my cabin! ahahaha. okay, that`s a digress.

but i won`t mind going to tampin again next week(my mother is planning to go back since there`s a long weekend again). relaxed lifestyle that i really enjoy. but a little too laid back and boring at times, but still. it`s good to retreat to these small towns to enjoy life a little more. =)

2006-04-26T00:14:00.000-07:00

okay, first things first.
welcome home rui! now number 1 taiwan fan and cheena kia. (=

anyway, school have started for 2 days, and i`ve seen many(many) new faces, which to be honest, is making me feeling slightly uncomfortable, especially now that i`m allocated into a different class from the rest of them(extremely unlucky victim over here). i`m not exactly regretting my choice of marketing and tourism but i`m definitely feeling a slight tinge of fear and uncertainty to what i`m expecting in this coming semester, in both aspects of work performance(without the prosters) and social networking. i suppose the only good news thus far could possibly be that henry koh is my advisor and teaching me 2 mods.

and i think i seriously have a misconception that all the rest of marketing lecturers would (and should) be as energetic and interactive as henry koh, but like i`ve said, it`s a misconception. seems like i`m wrong. the e-marketing and sales management lecturers have indeed disappointed me badly. and i`m just praying that for the remaining mods(marketing communications and marketing research) the lecturers are going to be much much better. but shrugs. no guarantees.

went to Food and Hotel Asia 2006(FHA 2006) with rui, fanny and paul today. it`s so cool(and huge! 6 expo halls mind you)! seen so many different sort of machinery for cooking, baking and so on. and it`s making me wonder how the traders actually ever figure out which machinery is the best when there are so many(damn) choices? not forgetting my favourite section on glasses and cutlery. pretty pretty. (= oh, and quite abit of food tasting. we also saw a few business opportunities that we are trying to sort out. we could incorporate it into fin or not just setting up our own business in school. we shall see.

on a sidenote, i think the wonder of the 7 weeks of attachment is that i tend to wake up at 7-730 in the morning even when my lecture is at 11 now. no good. it leaves me feeling even more exhausted after falling asleep at that odd hour and waking up a few hours later for school. no wonder i keep getting headaches. hope my body clock tunes back soon! if not headache makes me feel sian of school even more...

like as if school wasn`t already bad enough(at least for me)....

2006-04-23T23:45:00.000-07:00

原来
performed by 林俊杰

街灯绊住我眼前下一步
拉长的影子嘲弄的回顾
电话亭仍留着你的话
一句话掉一滴泪
今晚的我会是如何入睡

原来最疼痛的表情竟是没有情绪
原来最残忍的画面可以甜言蜜语
我不懂得如何更爱你
影子讽刺地跟着我难分难离

原来最孤单的是我还是那么想你
原来最悲哀的是我不能面对自己
你收的干净
我也会不留一点痕迹

说故事也要像是真的
可是别触动那些回忆
今夜你说了最后一句
一句话掉一滴泪
看来今晚的我很难入睡

原来最疼痛的表情竟是没有情绪
原来最残忍的画面可以甜言蜜语
我不懂得如何更爱你
影子讽刺地跟着我难分难离

原来最孤单的是我还是那么想你
原来最悲哀的是我不能面对自己
你收的干净
我也会不留一点痕迹
yeah...oh...

原来最疼痛的表情竟是没有情绪
原来最残忍的画面可以甜言蜜语
我不懂得如何更爱你
影子讽刺地跟着我难分难离

原来最孤单的是我还是那么想你
原来最悲哀的是我不能面对自己
你收的干净
我也会不留一点痕迹

soothing voice.
sleek dance moves.
charming smile.
fun personality.
就是 JJ.

2006-04-22T00:25:00.000-07:00

last day at work/attachment in allen and gledhill.
7 weeks. so long yet it seemed to have passed by in a blink of an eye.

last day to say the daily good mornings to ms tay peck kee.
last day to gush about zheng yuan chang with valerie chen.
last day to listen and also share stories with boo wei ling.
last day to hear 'wassup baby' and laughing together with uncle idris.
(not to forget norman who`s on leave to prepare for his finals.)
last day to speak hokkien and converse with the caring pantry auntie who treats limin and i like her own grand daughters.
last day to talk about fashion, comics and migrating to another country with belle from kmc department.
last day to say hi and just smile to uncle rashid (uncle idris` friend) in the next department.
last day to try and pick up malay within the last 3 days from the a&g mail centre telephone operator.

oh well. now it`s really the last day. and yet i realise that it was really quite a pleasant stay at a&g. the company`s welfare is pretty good(okay, maybe for an attachee[sp?] it appears to be so) and also the fact that limin and i had approachable and nice colleagues. it also seems that we actually learnt quite alot although at times it was so boring both of us could have simply fallen asleep during our working hours. but overall, i think the company of our colleagues was the redeeming factor and all that made working at a&g much much more interesting. (=

i wouldn`t mind going back to visit. (i have to go back anyway, with valerie`s umbrella and vcd still with me. oh, and valerie`s gift for us left there when we left in a rush today...) but i mean even if there was no particular reason for us to return, we wouldn`t mind either. right limin?

2006-04-19T23:22:00.000-07:00

12-year-old lee yu fen. pei hwa presbyterian student with short explosive hair(in chanho`s terms). psle aggregate score - 242. posted to fairfield methodist secondary school.
fairfield methodist secondary school. location: dover road. run down school building of at least 50 years(?) history. principal - mrs tang poh kim. allocated form class - 1a. form teacher clara chow that was later replaced by serene ong. bunch of childish 13-year-olds. failing my first history test with score 2/15. that`s all i remember of jeanette ho. other teachers include choe wai leng, priscilla song, kan hwee meng, elaine chan, amy leong, lee yew meng and zheng lao shi. hanging out with linting, daranee and jane alot. selected cca equals choir. florence, jingwen, pearlyn as sec 4 alto seniors. more than a quarter of 1a was in choir. looking at prefectorial board eye candies immanuel and jinsheng. cross country 10th position. having a crush on ernest and then the whole world knows. syf flashcard display. shin, yanling and i feasting our eyes on our group leader: kenn chng. scrapped through year 1 of school. termed as underachiever by teachers. sec 2a. form teacher rosalind ho and lim ah gek. other teachers include diana tham. priscilla song again(poor luck) and so on. performing for chinese new year celebrations. losing face for that. bonding as a class. grew closer to choir people in class. syf choral festival. silver award. still having a crush on ernest. daranee left for further studies overseas. escape trip with jane and linting and loads of 8R photos. approached by rosalind to interview for prefectorial board but getting caught for eating in class the next moment by another teacher. hiding the green file before lim ah gek can book any one of us. 2a = model class 2001. steadily improving results. not good enough to stay on in A class. 2a class chalet in pasir ris. gabriel throwing and breaking a spoon for a prank played on him. telling ernest the truth during christmas. becoming damn good friends instead. 3b. form teacher - mr moothy, later replaced by cheri lim. air con classroom. new classmates, made up of mostly of 2d students. hang out often with gabriel, linting and rhonda. valentine`s day celebration with the class at jocelyn`s place. getting to know chow chan ho through a phonecall. mrs tang retired from the school, replaced by miss elaine lim. selling calendars to raise funds for school rebuilding. sec 3 level camp. malaysia trip. gotten to know ray better. kaiwei getting caned for chasing away mrs hia. miss lim throwing his textbook out of the classroom and all the way to the first floor. slacking but had hell loads of fun. got really close to amelia, tianyin, ray and ivane. moving to new school location: commonwealth. tea garden mcdonalds = favourite hangout after school. started to keep long hair. with 18 pins(!) everyday. opening lockers in the mornings for adel, amelia and myself. forming yaya (yenmei, adelene, yufen, amelia). rms more than pms. getting to know kim and wai better. sodexho(sp?) equivalent to sucky food. dinglun da bao-ing food for recess. fainting in school. shocking people. still hanging out with 2a people - dilys, shin and yanling. missing choir prague trip. surprising amelia during her birthday with tonnes of other people in her room. moving on to 4b. form teacher - cheri lim. other teachers include yeo lili. steve ow. lye kok foo. martha chew. choir and band combined concert in esplanade - Joie De Vivre. cross country 12th position. maintaining contact with dilys through pretty postcards. deuter bag gang. sars breaking out a few days before syf. going back to school to clear lockers despite many warnings against it. formation of seance after many ordeals. losing many friends. gossip queens = adelene, kim and i (also commonly known now as lingxuanfen). sodexho and still nowhere near(i mean it) improved food. evacuation of the class when martha spilled some acid accidentally. invention of cabbage patch by wai and adel. interclass captain`s ball. loads of practicing. having a crush on caleb for half a day. winning the games. 1st in b division. loads of thefts and fighting in school. loads of caning and punishments. suicide tremor. pre-fiesta at fairfield at adelene`s place. preparations of french toast. fish and chips. chicken porridge. tea egg. pasta. also nemo`s bank games station. syf. gold award. talentime. fmakapella. coming up first for group singing. ms lim and her endless talks. her asking about our ambitions and goals(even halfway through our lessons). prelims. me screwing them up big time (i`m not the only one though). her tearing up our prelims results. starting slowly to prepare for Os. going back to school to study. playing volleyball all the same. fairfield - 2nd home. tea garden - our dining area. O levels! last day of school - dvd prepared by cheri lim. the class turned into a mess of watery eyes and blocked noses. graduation service. 16th birthday at fish and co with beloved gang. best birthday i can ever remember.

in fact. best time of my life = 4 years at fairfield methodist secondary school. just too many things to say. too much feelings to express. undeniably the best gift of my life.

2006-04-16T20:52:00.000-07:00

周惠 - 话题(extract)

我想我现在还不够清醒

该爱着你该离开你
还是继续逃避

2006-04-16T01:26:00.000-07:00

如果我说，就连我都快忍受不了自己，
你会不会觉得奇怪？
还是你也像我一样，觉得这一切都是理所当然？

如果我说，有好多事，我后悔我面对得不干不脆，甚至完全没有为别人设想，
你会不会觉得我很自私，很幼稚？
你不必给我任何答案。

你会不会？你会不会。

在那灿烂微笑的背后隐藏着波涛汹涌的情绪 -
焦虑，不安。就像生命中没有任何的避风港，失去了安全感似的。

我隐隐约约感觉到寂寞和没落闯进了我们之间，带走了你我的灵魂。

2006-04-03T06:25:00.000-07:00

我常常会想，

为什么两个人同活在一个地球上，但可能永远都解不成相识的缘分呢？

世界的不公平，

就只会让我发觉自己的愚昧不堪而已。

心里的那个故事，看起来会写不完。

故事情节就只能限制于内心深处的狂想和妄想。

没有休止符的完结篇，会不会太可惜...

2006-03-30T00:17:00.000-08:00

a little bit more confidence can make one beautiful.

was just chatting up with some friends earlier and our conversation made me realise that some confidence can really make you feel a little more beautiful, not necessarily just on the exterior but as well as developing inner beauty to make us all stronger.

i`m more fortunate than i thought.
it`s really so hard to live a life, not filled with any regrets or weaknesses. but all these chances only come by once, regardless the pros and cons.

be confident, it can bring you further than you think.

2006-03-24T07:21:00.000-08:00

a huge relief.

2006-03-24T00:32:00.000-08:00

results later today at 9am sharp.

i`m prepared for the worst.

someone please treat me to dinner to cheer me up.

2006-03-22T19:34:00.000-08:00

我要快樂
performed by 张惠妹

又被爱伤了一遍
无所谓
当作成长
刚刚走开的人
烟还点着
味道却淡了

我并不是天生
爱寂寞
却比任何人都多
就算把世界给我
我还是一无所有

我要快乐
我要能睡的安稳
有些人
不抱了才温暖
离开了才不恨
我早应该割舍

我要快乐
哪怕笑的再大声
心不是热的
全都是假的
只有眼泪是真的

把从前想了一遍
谢谢了
伤我的人
想做乐观的人
每种雨声
听了都不冷

我并不是天生
爱寂寞
却比任何人都多
就算把世界给我
我还是一无所有

我要快乐
我要能睡的安稳
有些人
不抱了才温暖
离开了才不恨
我早应该割舍

我要快乐
哪怕笑的再大声
心不是热的
全都是假的
只有眼泪是真的

我要快乐
我要能睡的安稳
有些人
不抱了才温暖
离开了才不恨
我早应该割舍

我要快乐
哪怕笑的再大声
心不是热的
全都是假的
我的决定是对的

2006-03-18T16:03:00.000-08:00

遇到
performed by <i want to know too>

你身上专属的陌生味道
是我确认你存在的目标
不用来回张望了
直到今世我们相隔着一个街角

这么久了
我还是可以看到
感觉得到你对我的重要
不会被天黑天亮打扰
你每一次的温柔我都想炫耀

我们绕了这么一圈才遇到
我比谁都更明白你的重要
这么久了我就决定了
决定了你的手我握了不会放掉

我们绕了这么一圈才遇到
我答应自己不再庸人自扰
因为我要的我自己知道
只要你的肩膀依然让我靠

你身上专属的陌生味道
是我确认你存在的目标
不用来回张望了
直到今世我们相隔着一个街角

这么久了
我还是可以看到
感觉得到你对我的重要
不会被天黑天亮打扰
你每一次的温柔我都想炫耀

我们绕了这么一圈才遇到
我比谁都更明白你的重要
这么久了我就决定了
决定了你的手我握了不会放掉

我们绕了这么一圈才遇到
我答应自己不再庸人自扰
因为我要的我自己知道
只要你的肩膀依然让我靠

这么久了我就决定了
决定了你的手我握了不会放掉

我们绕了这么一圈才遇到
我答应自己不再庸人自扰
因为我要的我自己知道
只要你的肩膀依然让我靠

--------------------------------------

there was a problem with my blog for awhile so i totally gave up blogging since no one could have read anyway. but there was really nothing to be updated other than that exams(the cocked up ones) are over and i have offically started work with 3 other ngee ann students namely gladys, limin and karen at allen and gledhill.

so far all have still been pleasant just that work that`s being given to me and limin is slowing down and we are getting slacker. which to both of us is no good since time will start to crawl. lol. anyway, limin`s been a great company. although we didn`t even know each other before this attachment, i must say that we hit it off quite well. attachment in allen and gledhill library(yes, laugh for all i care) would have been so much more boring without her accompany.

coverage of work at A&G is hardly even related to business at all but oh well, interns are always given the stupid jobs. so i`m not exactly surprised, but more of disappointed because i`m really expecting to learn more things other than photocopying, binding, filing, updating and amending lawbooks. but it`s okay, at least the colleagues are still nice to hang out with. (= thank goodness. and the best part is i don`t have to wear ultra formal for work, just smart casual office wear will do. i`m lucky i didn`t buy formal coat from jb when i went with fanny for our formal wear shopping.

anyway, i need to start preparing for work now. no. not A&G on a saturday. it`s time to go back to my secret garden before they forget who yufen is. =b

2006-02-23T21:44:00.000-08:00

i`m as good as dead, based on how prepared i am for the upcoming exams.

i`m scared. like never before.

this is the worst sem thus far.

good luck fen, you need it.

2006-02-17T01:03:00.000-08:00

i love the mtv of this song. it`s so sweet and cute. and i love that male lead lah....like him eversince 爱情白皮书.....=b

performed by 梁靜茹
一對一

既然对我有感觉
何不勇敢一些些
来将我溶解

听说你烦了一夜
给我e-mail怎么写
找朋友想策略

oh baby
爱应该一对一
其他人是多余
别人的主意
会模糊真正的自己

追我要一对一
爱是两人下的棋
加上他们就太过拥挤

怎么能在一起
等你去练习
答案在心底

情话得靠自己学
越简单就越直接
足以她了解

为何你始终胆怯
只要是呕心沥血
的方式都特别

oh baby
爱应该一对一
其他人是多余
别人的主意
会模糊真正的自己

追我要一对一
爱是两人下的棋
加上他们就太过拥挤

怎么能在一起

oh baby
爱应该一对一
其他人是多余
别人的语气
怎么能说明你自己

追我要一对一
若要两人的结局
就不能留下太多足迹

oh baby
爱应该一对一
其他人是多余
别人的主意
会模糊真正的自己

追我要一对一
爱是两人下的棋
加上他们就太过拥挤

怎么能在一起
等你去练习
答案在心底

爱情本应该一对一
其他人是多余
等你去练习

既然对我有感觉
何不勇敢一些些

2006-02-15T16:16:00.000-08:00

it`s been almost 2 weeks since i`ve blogged.

too busy and too lazy or there were simply nothing to blog about when i did have the time.

but anyway,
happy belated valentine`s day to everyone!
didn`t do anything special for valentine`s this year. it hardly even felt like any special day yesterday so what`s there to celebrate? or maybe because i stayed home the whole day? lol.

sometimes being at home (alone) rocks. and i hereby confirm that my canto show rocks too.
and i`m going to be alone at home this weekend since my parents and my sisters going to genting. without me! roar.

now that all the project deadlines, peer tutoring sessions, open house and many other stupid things are over, it`s time to get started for preparations for examinations. really lack of confidence this time around and i`m just hoping for the best, provided if i`m put in effort that is. and i really have to think about my OIAP application. i really need to do well to be able to go overseas next year. but oh well. nothing could be any worse than having to work throughout the coming holidays in a new environment, and getting treated as cheap labour.

school sucks indeed. i`m in holiday mood.

adel have gone back to australia yesterday evening. at least we all managed to meet up the day before she left. the photos we took that day were so funny we were almost in tears for some of them. oh, adel also chopped off her hair but i thought she look great. totally funky. (= will see her back home in june again! and time flies, so it`ll be soon before we meet again.

so that`s all for now. i need to start thinking about how to going about typing my OIAP application essay. wish me luck now.

2006-02-02T06:32:00.000-08:00

有用的人
performed by 陈国荣

谁不希望自己是聪明的人
谁不希望什么都能一百分
谁会希望自己又呆又傻又愚蠢
谁会愿意听到你真的好笨

有些事情就是这样的残忍
有些道路没有直通那扇门
有些游戏结果不一定要获胜
有些收获不在终点只在过程

我们不会心灰意冷
我们会给自己掌声
我不是你想象的笨
我也有我自己的门
其实你不是不能
只是你肯不肯
给自己多一个机会
因为我们都是有用的人

有些事情就是这样的残忍
有些道路没有直通那扇门
有些游戏结果不一定要获胜
有些收获不在终点只在过程

我们不会心灰意冷
我们会给自己掌声
我不是你想象的笨
我也有我自己的门
其实你不是不能
只是你肯不肯
给自己多一个机会
因为我们都是有用的人

我们不会心灰意冷
我们会给自己掌声
我不是你想象的笨
我也有我自己的门
其实你不是不能
只是你肯不肯
给自己多一个机会
因为我们都是有用的人

给自己多一个机会
因为我们都是有用的人

2006-01-31T02:53:00.000-08:00

somebody just told me i lost weight.

that`s the first in a long time now. or maybe i didn`t lose weight, i just looked like i did - because i`m looking like a haggard.

in fact, i`ve been putting on so much weight, it`s freaking me out alot.
i think i`m suffering from the following -
1. stress
2. poor time management
3. poor attitude
4. poor anger management

gawd. i think i`m going to slip into a stage of depression if i don`t learn to take care of myself. someone please save me.

oh well, maybe too many negative comments(or implied ones) will make people look down on themselves.

2006-01-30T14:55:00.000-08:00

爱是你眼里的一首情歌
performed by 郭美美

总是不经意地想起
心里那段那首歌曲
一样温柔的音
依旧牵动我的心

我曾寻寻觅觅
想在文字里寻找爱情
才发现最美的诗句
原来都在你眸里

爱是你眼里的一首情歌
轻洋着飘逸旋律
让我不知不觉地陶醉在
你缠绕的深情

爱是你眼里的一首情歌
轻拨动我的心弦
让我不由自主地
深爱着你

总是不经意地想起
心里那段那首歌曲
一样温柔的音
依旧牵动我的心

我曾寻寻觅觅
想在文字里寻找爱情
才发现最美的诗句
原来都在你眸里

爱是你眼里的一首情歌
轻洋着飘逸旋律
让我不知不觉地陶醉在
你缠绕的深情

爱是你眼里的一首情歌
轻拨动我的心弦
让我不由自主地
深爱着你

爱是你眼里的一首情歌
轻洋着飘逸旋律
让我不知不觉地陶醉在
你缠绕的深情

爱是你眼里的一首情歌
轻拨动我的心弦
让我不由自主地
深爱着你

don`t get fooled by the name. although she did sing trashy songs like 不怕不怕 and 老鼠爱大米， she`s still capable of singing rather nice songs like this one. rather surprising i must say but she`s isn`t so bad lah.

i really need to get started with some projs since the deadlines are all due so soon. but there`s just too much other distractions like eating goodies, going out for visits and so on so forth. why must they place all the deadlines so near cny and not forgetting open house. gawd. they should learn to pick better dates. roar.

2006-01-29T17:36:00.001-08:00

恭喜发财 everyone!

happy lunar new year to all and may all enjoy this festive season! (=

2006-01-26T10:13:00.000-08:00

心愿
performed by 孫燕姿

忘了风还吹着我的脸
再一步又离天空近一点
白云山巅
梦想的蓝天
抬头就看得见

幸福高不高攀得顶点
当爱情是种朝圣的意念
不管多累
我不能后退
怕跌个粉碎

我们有约
约好一起永远

baby i am sorry
但我只能前进
穿越心里的风雪

不怕为难自己
跨过天堂边缘
不管风云多善变

爱是勇敢的心愿

想象站在颠峰的喜悦
默默孤独的攀着岩
天堂很高
永远也很远
可是那么美

幸福高不高攀得顶点
当爱情是种朝圣的意念
不管多累
我不能后退
怕跌个粉碎

我们有约
约好一起永远

baby i am sorry
但我只能前进
穿越心里的风雪

不怕为难自己
跨过天堂边缘
不管风云多善变
好想后退
我不能后退
相爱会被成全
对不对

爱是勇敢的心愿

你在风的另一边

爱是那么特别
就象最高的山
我一去不回

我想会有那一天
你有什么好后悔

不怕为难自己
跨过天堂边缘
不管风云多善变
好想后退
我不能后退
相爱会被成全
对不对

爱是勇敢的心愿
你在风的另一边

2006-01-26T01:03:00.000-08:00

i was on the way home on a cab earlier with huimin, alicia`s mum and sister after the star idol results show from mediacorp.
after they alighted, the cab driver told me alot that i was shocked to hear.
okay, don`t worry. it`s not as bad as you think it is.

on the other hand, he actually complimented me i`m telling you.
but of course, i`m not gullible. not stupid. (//i not stupid)
how much can you trust a stranger?
1%? lesser?

but maybe we do need a morale boost once in a while to make life worth living again.

it was quite a strange encounter. but he spoke wisdom in some parts of our conversation. but at the same time, he sounded like a perfect crook. i could tell he was no simple man. but whether it`s good or bad, i cannot define. and in no position to. he claimed to be a script writer but who was to know the truth except himself? or have anyone heard of absolute morpheus? that`s what his name card showed at least.

but oh well.

uncle han.

a stranger. a cab driver. a weird conversation.

oh on a sidenote, i got to admit he has good observation skills. lol.

2006-01-20T23:51:00.000-08:00

foreseeable disaster. just edges away.

2006-01-14T08:43:00.000-08:00

natural beauty = sun yan zi

i`m back from stefanie live concert 2006.
sun yan zi reminds me of a rare jewel.
petite. energetic. natural.

i was impressed. she was great live.
definitely a performance that i would want to go for again. (and again)
she`s got that amazing sense of stage presence.
it`s no surprise why she`s the asian queen in the scene.

she`s a singaporean we should all be proud of.
(haha, sounds cliche but heck)

难得一见； sun yan zi

2006-01-12T08:06:00.000-08:00

我不喜欢那种只在你想起我的时候，我才派的上用场的感觉。
你实在让我感到非常厌恶。
你让我觉得我只是其中几个抛在你脑后的某一个甲乙丙丁。有必要的时候，才在尘埃里搜寻我的踪迹。

慢着，在你们任何一个人要误会之前，我只想澄清一下。。。
我一点也不在乎。他的所作所为，还有下一步想要做什么，都对我毫无意义。最重要的是，我没兴趣知道。

对我而言，他只不过是个过路客。
可能我动摇过，但这种错误我不会再重犯。

这个时候的我，就只是觉得不甘心。
但是我绝对不后悔。
因为只有弱者才会有后悔的念头。

2006-01-11T08:10:00.000-08:00

went for star idol live results show. alicia got through.

congratulations! i`m really hoping for the best now, that you could at least make it to the top 4. call me greedy. as a friend, i just hope you can get as far as possible. (=

i`m looking forward to more results shows and performances from alicia.

if any of you guys are interested to find out more about alicia, feel free to browse http://www.aliciaysl.com for more information!

2006-01-10T07:07:00.000-08:00

clearly the disappointment from my past few papers haven`t gotten totally to me yet until i screw up tomorrow`s paper too.

i`m dead - go figure.

so much of a new year. i can almost just say i hate it without thinking. even if i`m given more time to reconsider, i`ll prolly give that damn answer again. it`s not about you, her, him, them or anyone. it`s me. no aim, no goal. or simply because i`m not ready. for what you may ask. i`m not sure either.

i`m lost in the midst of school, projects, tests, friends, work and so on.

again?

how many times did it happen already? i`ve lost count. perhaps i`m weak or i just never learn. i seem to be running away, hiding or just not facing up with the reality. time is running too fast to be caught. and the culprit is none other than myself, for being lazy, complacent and whatever you can think of to associate me to in this matter.

i don`t know what`s over me. i can`t seem to be concentrating. ever distracted i`m losing it. my mind`s in a mess and i can`t find any answers to questions. i want to find out why i`m behaving like that.

maybe life`s too mundane. i`m scared of outcomes, of bad consequences. some that i really deserve, while some perhaps could have been given a chance of. but there`s nothing to push me ahead to strive on, to continue fighting. maybe i`m pushed to the limit and i`m stretching myself too much. but i was okay all along before that, which puzzles me even more. what then is the cause of all these queries?

i`m heavy-hearted.

performed by S.H.E

extract from 天灰

我的天空今天有点灰

我的心是个落叶的季节

我不知道如何度过今夜

所有的灯早已经全都熄灭

2006-01-01T23:13:00.000-08:00

what a different way to start off the new year.
i never anticipated this. i wasn`t prepared.
all the jumbled up thoughts trying to be spoken but whenever i really need to, i went blank.
i have to admit that i was afraid.
my mind went wild. my stomach was in knots.
i hated the feeling.

5 days flew by so quickly, just like how the previous year did.
and there was no time to say sorry for the things that i regret doing.
regrets are for losers. i was a loser.
i wish to be stronger, take that as a new year resolution. but tears are a sign of emotions.
from eve to the new year -
32 hours straight i was not sleeping, i wish there was more time for everyone.
i wasn`t like the rest of singapore, i wasn`t celebrating. not me. not my family.

some people are happy that a new year has arrived, while others hoped for it not to end.
i`m not sure where i am, probably somewhere in the middle.
i didn`t like how the year ended, neither the way it started.
it ended and started with tears, not on the face, but in our hearts.
i wish we all were happier. at least if not last year, but in the year ahead.

performed by 孙燕姿
the moment

这一刻回头看见自己
这一路的风景百感交集的我
下一刻又将飞向哪里
渐渐疲惫的羽翼为你披上了勇气

放心离开我我会记得这一刻
那些还飞翔着不可思议的梦
雨后的天空会有绚烂的彩虹
像最初相信着
我们总会找到自由

这一刻时间变成行李
越过生命悲喜陪伴着我前进
因为你让我看清自己
面对未知的恐惧脚步更加坚定

放心离开我我会记得这一刻
那些还飞翔着不可思议的梦
雨后的天空会有绚烂的彩虹
像最初相信着
我会找到自由

Oh 只是远行不是逃避
告别是为延续回忆永恒的华丽
你要照顾自己
不要忘记那些灿烂过的痕迹

放心离开我我会记得这一刻
那些还飞翔着不可思议的梦
雨后的天空会有绚烂的彩虹
像最初相信着
我会找到自由

自由

you`ll be missed greatly. by each and everyone of us.

2005-12-29T21:30:00.000-08:00

i couldnt believe it. until now. it`s all like a dream.
no, it`s more like a nightmare. that everyone in the family want to wake up from.

but then we all realise, maybe it all happened to save him, to save us.
he has moved off to a world with no pain and only joy and love.

2005-12-27T09:14:00.000-08:00

（她是）天使，我的天使，像太阳一样，光芒四射的天使在空中翱翔，她展开双翅飞向最美好的地方；
我爱我的天使，如果把天使的翅膀折断来留住天使的话是不行的；
我的天使，飞吧...
如果累了，到我这儿歇着，我爱你。
“我所能做的，我都为你做。”

《金贤宇 - 爱在哈佛》

------------------------------

possibly what most girls would wish to hear from their sweethearts.
but when i do watch this show, it probably just showed me what i do wish, but might never ever find.
dramas are exaggerated reality. i don`t believe in them, but indulge in the false hopes it brings.

2005-12-26T08:17:00.000-08:00

performed by 孫燕姿
不能和你一起

结束还是原谅
爱永远搁在远方
眼神不会说话
只有泪光

你给过我希望怎么能忘

是你填满温暖
让梦想有了翅膀
教我如何控制
风的方向

让我每一天能飞到更远的地方

不能和你一起
拥有喜悅和悲伤
不管走多远
步伐都没有力量

不能和你一起
走往这世界幸福方向
孤单的身旁少了坚强
只有简单感伤

是你填满温暖
让梦想有了翅膀
教我如何控制
风的方向

让我每一天能飞到更远的地方

不能和你一起
拥有喜悅和悲伤
不管走多远
步伐都没有力量

不能和你一起
走往这世界幸福方向
孤单的身旁少了坚强
只有简单感伤

不能和你一起
拥有喜悅和悲伤
不管走多远
步伐都没有力量

不能和你一起
走往这世界幸福方向

孤单的身旁少了坚强
只有简单感伤

2005-12-26T05:12:00.000-08:00

happy boxing day everyone!
i hope all of you guys reading had a happy and joyous christmas!
and not to forget (before i`m late like christmas), happy new year in a few days time!!

i`ve wasted almost the whole first week of holidays already. i`m not ready for any papers next week and the week after since i`ve not read up on anything yet. i`m so sure i`m gonna screw all these papers up next week. i can barely imagine the disappointment i`ll probably feel after all those papers. someone help me.

i spent the whole of the first week sleeping in, enjoying my friends' company, working and watching tv. i can`t believe it. i`ve wasted so much time. i`m starting to regret right now. okay, maybe even while i was doing those things, i was already expecting myself to regret. blah. i`m blabbering nonsense.

this week is so packed too. arrrgh. there`s so many people that i really need to meet up. there's choir people, yanling, dilys, rhonda and even vera who`s back from canada. why is it that the school have to torture us like that? why would anyone be possibly studying while everyone else in the whole wide world is celebrating the coming of christ and the new year?! you can`t find another word except inconsiderate to describe the ngee ann. lol. yes. i`m spouting rubbish again. probably too stressed up to talk sense.

2005-12-14T20:13:00.000-08:00

fianlly the crazy period is over for the time being.
it was so hard to catch up with myself and i knew just a turn in any event could just simply drive me nuts.

2005-12-08T06:46:00.000-08:00

i almost cried talking to my mother. how silly. but at least i felt that i`ve let out something that`s in my heart for awhile now.

all i can say is - i`m about reaching my limit. don`t teach me or advice me to take up anger management, cos it`s of no use to me. at all. but if you need, how about me teaching you to fake a smile?

i`m no saint; no social animal.
but don`t think i`m stupid. i may be nice at times. but don`t take me for granted. i may have taken you for granted at times. but don`t get overboard for mistakes made once or twice.
you know, sometimes i think you treat me like a fool. someone who don`t deserve. or at least don`t deserve as much as you do.

well. i have no say to how you behave, how to portray yourself. and i do respect you as a person. but that`s about all the respect i`m giving.

like i`ve told kim, i`m not anywhere, not even close to, being patient, and i know that very well. but it also doesn`t mean that if i`m sitting there, not making any comments means that i can be used or directed like a puppet. you make me sick sometimes, really. what makes you think that everything should be done your way?

your biggest and most fucking problem that pisses me off the most is that you want too much. be it attention, authority or whatsoever. you seem like you will never be satisfied.
i`m just so sick and tired of putting up with you.

i`m a human too. someone with emotions. verbal statements that to you meant nothing, could mean so much to me. i need some space. to breathe or to just be myself. why do i always feel like i have to act to keep myself going? can`t i be natural and not to be mocked?

and you know, and this refers to everyone...
i don`t need anyone to put me down.

pent up frustrations and much anxiety makes a person as good as being mad.

i`m not neccessarily a good person, that i admit.

i`m not trying to make it all sound like a competition. but i just want to show that i`m no fool, that i can be something you didn`t think i could. all these negativity that`s inside of me can`t stay put any longer.
//and you know what the biggest and most fucking problem with me that pisses off everybody?
my bloody temper. and being so stubborn.

but one thing`s for sure. and i must really learn this.
no one is perfect.

2005-11-30T19:01:00.000-08:00

i`m stressed out.

i`m puzzled because it`s only the beginning of the new term, things are just getting started, picking up speed, but here i am, already a goner. none of the modules i`m taking now that i have any confidence in. and i have to keep up with my own expectations, and not forgetting it might just affect my option ranking and electives. who were to know?

also, being in the DL makes me feel honoured, yet at the same time pressurizing. like what gg and i were discussing, what if we were the only ones that dropped out? it`s not just a waste but also humiliating. we can`t afford that, could we?

the more i thought about it, the more i felt pressurized but also pushed to perform. let`s just hope being "pushed" overweighs being "pressurized", otherwise, i`m sure i`m going to perform an all time low.

but i`m just wondering, what`s stressing me out? i`m not putting in enough effort but i can`t seem to be getting the feel for school either. i`m working much lesser as compared to craziness of 4 days a week. but i do admit maybe i`m going out a tat bit too much, which i suppose might be the mother of all problems.

(okay, i know this entry is going to make me sound all tensed up and competitive, but there`s absolutely no reason for me to slack behind while everyone`s on their form, working to the top.)

so....it`s about time to wake up, get down to work and cut all the crap.

2005-11-26T00:45:00.000-08:00

why is it when you least want to be caught off guard, you`ll always be shocked?

the irony of meeting someone whom you so wanted to see, but ended up being a terrible experience is indeed heart wrenching. but at least, you know, that all`s well for that dear friend of yours.
you`re upset but you can`t bear to be angry with that friend. that`s life. and its cruelty. that anyone could have been a close friend, but no more in within a year or so.

i miss you as a friend. i really do. but i know, there`s no way we could return to what we used to be.

2005-11-24T22:48:00.000-08:00

everytime i see you in my memories, it was always the bad ones that lingered. i have no idea why. why din i leave the happy ones behind instead?

and sometimes, it left me thinking, maybe there weren`t any happy days. but no, i`m sure there was.

maybe when the hurt finally all go away, we could talk. again.

we could make the best of what`s left of us, if you would let us.
you know, like i`ve told you before, we could still be friends.

maybe it was all wrong in the beginning.
but that`s always the excuse we come up to console ourselves when everything turned sour at the end.

but come on, i don`t deny.
i was a bad person (maybe i still am). i was a bad girlfriend.
maybe i`ll never be forgiven. but that was my own deed to begin with.
that got me to where i`m standing now. and i`m not regretting. but accepting...

my weaknesses.

2005-11-24T22:14:00.000-08:00

when all else fails, look behind you for the most worthy friends and say:
"i need you."

2005-11-21T23:39:00.000-08:00

specialization and electives option and ranking`s over. i was forced to choose between tourism and marketing. i was a die-hard-want-to-do tourism and resort management student. really i was. but ms wong informed us about the overwhelming response for the REAL specialization alone, and after hearing randal`s advise, the absolute confusion and dilemma brought upon me was too much.

methods used to decide(these could be adapted and improved):
i was messaging my sisters for advice, throwing coins to confirm my choices, all the ideas that popped out in my small brain was used, however dumb, like counting the number of receipts in my wallet(odd refers to one specialization, even to another).
i felt like a lost sheep, with absolutely no idea what to do. on one hand was my interest - tourism and resort management, and the other was a safer and wider prospective choice - marketing. how was i to choose between them?!

i wrecked my brain for this.

so my final ranking results looks like this:
1. Marketing & Tourism and Resort Management
2. Tourism and Resort Management & Marketing
3. Marketing (REAL)
4. Tourism and Resort Management (REAL)
5. Human Resource Management & Marketing
6. Human Resource Management & Tourism and Resort Management
7. Human Resource Management (REAL)
8. Service Management & Marketing
9. Service Management & Tourism and Resort Mangement
10. Service Management (REAL)
11. Entrepreneurship & Marketing
12. Entrepreneurship & Tourism and Resort Mangement
13. Entrepreneurship (REAL)

now, i`m just praying i get my first two choices, either 1 would do. if i don`t get my first choice, it just means i`m not good enough, and i`ll just accept that. but if i really do get my second choice, then perhaps i`m fated to do tourism and resort management, regardless the fact that demand very much exceed its supply. let`s hope everything turn out well. i`ll be fine with either one, i sincerely hope.

and i really really really hope my uncle can successfully convince daddy to let me go for the Overseas Industrial Attachment Programme. no matter how scared i am, i`m willing to try it out and become even more independent, as much i think i already am. and if i`m really able to go, i`ll definitely pay for it myself, in exchange for the trust that my parents have in me. but i shall not raise my hopes too high, i sure don`t want to get too disappointed. besides, there`s so many interviews and criteria to meet, i might not be good enough in the first place. *shrugs* let`s just see. and it`s still a pretty long time to that....

but time flies.

got started for EC project today and will continue tomorrow, shall leave tomorrow night and wed night to read up on my spanish notes, if not i`m so gonna screw up this sem by throwing away my first IS like that. language is sure hard to pick up. roar! school sucks. (:

alright. i think i`ll have blabbered enough trash for a day. but it feels good to be blogging again! (((:

2005-11-19T22:12:00.000-08:00

performed by 周杰伦
夜曲

一群嗜血的蚂蚁被腐肉所吸引
我面无表情看孤独的风景
失去你爱恨开始分明
失去你还有什么事好关心
当鸽子不再象征和平
我终于被提醒
广场上喂食的是秃鹰
我用漂亮的押韵
形容被掠夺一空的爱情

啊乌云开始遮蔽夜色不干净
公园里葬礼的回音钕在漫天飞行
送你的白色玫瑰在纯黑的环境凋零
乌鸦在树枝上诡异的很安静
静静听我黑色的大衣想温暖你
日渐冰冷的回忆走过的走过的生命
啊四周弥漫雾气我在空旷的墓地老去后还爱你

为你弹凑萧邦的夜曲纪念我死去的爱情
跟夜风一样的声音心碎的很好听
手在键盘敲很轻我给的思念很小心
你埋葬的地方叫幽冥

为你弹凑萧邦的夜曲纪念我死去的爱情
而我为你隐姓埋名在月光下弹琴
对你心跳的感应还是如此温热亲近
怀念你那鲜红的唇印

那些断翅的蜻蜓散落在这森林
而我的眼睛没有丝毫同情
失去你泪水混不清
失去你我连笑容都有阴影
风在长满青苔的屋顶嘲笑我的伤心
像一口没有水的枯井
我用凄美的字型描绘后悔莫及的那爱情

为你弹凑萧邦的夜曲纪念我死去的爱情
跟夜风一样的声音心碎的很好听
手在键盘敲很轻我给的思念很小心
你埋葬的地方叫幽冥

为你弹凑萧邦的夜曲纪念我死去的爱情
而我为你隐姓埋名在月光下弹琴
对你心跳的感应还是如此温热亲近
怀念你那鲜红的唇印

一群嗜血的蚂蚁被腐肉所吸引
我面无表情看孤独的风景
失去你爱恨开始分明
失去你还有什么事好关心
当鸽子不再象征和平
我终于被提醒
广场上喂食的是秃鹰
我用漂亮的押韵
形容被掠夺一空的爱情

-------------------------

one of my favourite songs in jay`s latest album 《11月的萧邦》。of course there are other hot favourites like 发如雪，黑色毛衣，枫，珊瑚海。。。 one of the albums that i must say that`s better than most of the rest of his. not those kind of songs that you need to listen to at least quite a few times to really think the songs are good. much much better than i`ve expected of him. no wonder there was so much of positive response for this latest album. (:

sad to say, after school`ve started for like 3 weeks, coming to the 4th, i`m not in the mood for it. not forgetting there`s spanish test this thirsday and ec/ief/pmkt/spanish projects to get started and complete by (i`m not sure when, but definitely soon!). this is bad news, really. also, tonnes of things have happened everywhere, making it ever so hard to concentrate. it makes you feel like giving up sometimes and question why you`re leading this kind of life, which is so very torturous. you have no idea what to expect, how to respond to these things and afraid that whatever you do or say might make things even worse.

it`s okay if you can`t understand. maybe it`s the menses and its mood swings at work. roar.

my nose is leaking. and i`m feeling feverish. i feel so screwed. and this sem will very much affect next year and my options. i`ve to make my decision for my option ranking by monday. my dad objected me to going for overseas industrial attachment prog(6 months). i`m trying and fighting to go for overseas industrial training prog(7 weeks), although i know it`s not really likely. oh well. let`s hope for the best.

till the next time i update(i really hope it`s some time soon), i shall quickly recover and get down to business for school!

2005-11-04T14:38:00.000-08:00

whoa. quite a long while since i last blogged. again.

finally, one full month of intensive working have come to an end. it ended up with me falling sick and lying in bed like a dead log for like 2 days. i hate being sick! roar. i work too hard. but at least i know i didn`t exactly waste my holidays away. i could have loitered around town and whatsoever places but i didn`t! in fact, i think i`m quite proud of myself! ((: oh well. (someone`s trying to hide she`s a workaholic and loves money!)

school have already started yet i haven`t been to school at all. haha. too busy either working or watching korean drama AGAIN. stupid sisters. if they don`t bring home vcds, i wouldn`t get addicted together with them. roar. lol. my mother could come home finding two of us in the room, one in the living room, all watching the drama at the same time! the funniest part is we were all watching different episodes...=P

was talking to wai and kim on the phone last night. and there were many jokes and laughter. why don`t you guys let me sleep? that`s my life! =P i can`t wait for you guys to finish your crappy exams and when adel come home! then seance can go around crapping, taking loadsa stupid(and nice) photos and do our thing! we`ll have funnnn. and go around visiting each other homes when it`s chinese new year again! omg. times sure flies. i wonder if it`s good or bad.

oh well, besides working and watching vcds, i was out shopping on several occasions but i didn`t buy much lah. i still got many things i need and want to buy. like jay and yanzi`s new albums, and there`s bags, belts, tops that i need to get. i need almost everything! just name anything, i want them. arrrgh. some things i quite like, but so overpriced! i can`t bear to part with the money. i need a rich boyfriend!!!! LOL. i`ll never have enough money!!! need to earn earn earn earnnnn. that`s why i`m such a workaholiccccc. to satisfy my unlimited wants. sigh. i`ll be broke in no time. think already also can cry. but...

so....*ponder for a while* what should i buy next?

roll on floor lauging.

i just can`t help it right. at least i`m happy doing all these things.
eat. work. sleep. shop. watch tv. talking on the phone.
that`s life. i could go on forever doing all these things.
but okay, maybe not forever. just long enough to make me happy. i`m a pig.

i`m a happy girl. at least i have my family and friends there. thanks guys! (:

2005-10-26T22:59:00.000-07:00

performed by 同恩
《本来》

下雨了　站在玻璃門裡頭
並沒有　總是掛念著我　
你帶著傘來接我

夜晚了　只剩老闆跟我
像從前你抽著菸皺眉頭
不知怎麼安撫　
太任性的我

本來不覺得你特別疼我
直到你不再疼愛我以後
已經過去　
雨傘和雨衣　
不會再庇護我

本來不覺得你特別疼我
直到你不再疼我以後　
來不及了
手寫的留言對象
已經不會是我

停雨了　不必再躲雨了
已經過了該打烊的時候　
還是不太想走

太晚了　只能坐計程車
為什麼想念著摩托車
常常會半路熄火的後座

本來不覺得你特別疼我
直到你放棄愛我以後
已經過去
雨傘和雨衣　
不會再庇護我

本來不覺得你特別疼我
直到你不再疼我以後　
來不及了
長長的簡訊對象
已經不會是我

走在濕漉漉紅磚道上
沿著導盲磚試著假裝　
的確有點困難

也許我就這樣走路回家
反正你不再在乎幾點　
該幾點回到家

本來不覺得你特別疼我
直到你再也不疼我以後
已經過去　雨傘和雨衣　
不會再保護我

本來不覺得你特別疼我
直到你放棄愛我以後　
來不及了
對不起長大太慢　
害你遺失了我

抱歉　讓你白費了這麼多

------------------------------

失去不代表。。没有了。可能只是暂时性的《再见》吧。
今日的离别不过是让人期待相逢的时候，可以笑着拥抱。

两个人如能在这世上相遇，走在一块儿，就要把握。千万不要等到失去时，才来哭泣。
只要你们相爱，就算再远的距离也扯不开你们。。因为对方就活在彼此心中，陪你到尽头。

一个人的脸孔，微笑，触摸都只是虚幻。你带不走它们，但能记得。
爱，是不必用眼睛看，而需用心去体谅和包容。

那，读着的你，体验过了吗？

2005-10-23T13:43:00.000-07:00

thanks to everyone who were part of making my day.
this year`s birthday is one my most memorable, enjoyable and touched ones. (:

final list of people to thank:

eddy chanho huiling eldora huimin kim rhonda wailreng asri gg cheekhoon agnes faith david dellia arnold fanny sharon yinxia kangni yoongwend charles jackliew pohhuat mummy lily fidelia paul joshua rahim yang dilys jialing zhiyuan adelene jackng liann bob dinglun tiffany rui rebecca amelia rick jasmine sandee benita hweeboon andrew wangyi christine

thanks kim, wai, gg, david and dinglun for the jacket. love it.
thanks kim for the card. it`s heartwarming and sweet.
thanks adelene for calling home just to wish me happy birthday. pleasant surprise and hearing your voice rocks! ((:
thanks huiling, eldora, huimin (and cheekhoon, eddy -> not sure if they are part of sharing) for the gifts. i appreciate them.
thanks fanny, dellia, paul, yang and rui for the belt. it`s niceeee.
thanks fanny for the strawberry cheesecake and the effort put in.
thanks ronny for the limited edition towel. i know it`s precious.
thanks joshua for the flowers. it`s pretty.

i truly am thankful to have all of you! ((:
it was a fantastic birthday.

2005-10-20T17:50:00.000-07:00

edited at 1750 hours-

just turned 18 for 1070 minutes and it sure doesn`t feel any different.

oh well.

thanks to those who have already wished me, namely:
eddy chanho huiling eldora huimin kim rhonda wailreng asri gg cheekhoon agnes faith david dellia arnold fanny sharon yinxia yoongwend charles jack pohhuat mummy lily fidelia joshua rahim yang dilys jialing zhiyuan

and thanks for the adidas jacket from kim wailreng gg david and dinglun. love it. (:
and thanks to huiling, eldora and huimin who made me feel extremely stupid when it`s only the first minute into my birthday. but it was indeed a heartwarming surprise. so thanks for making feel dumb once again! =p

anyway, happy 18th birthday to vera as well although i`m quite sure she`s not ever going to see this. and also to linda chan whom i just realise that she have the same birthday as me! and a happy belated birthday to sylvia(for 19th Oct) as well to emileen(for 18th Oct)! heehee.

2005-10-17T23:02:00.000-07:00

take all those void feelings away from me. i`m living fine.

had dinner with my parents tonight and man, it sure felt good. it`s been AGES since i last sat down with both of them and have a proper meal together. and now that i`ve done that, i realized how much i missed it. how much i miss them. though it was a simple meal - steamboat at the coffee shop near my house, that little time spent together was extremely fruitful. (: i should do that more often.

it`s not often my practice to tell my parents i love them, and it sure won`t come naturally to me to do that. so i can only pen them here. i don`t need them to know outright. but i just love them both.

it`s going to be a packed week, not just because it`s my birthday. zoo ambassador duty this saturday which i`m not mentally prepared for and school`s reopening in about 2 weeks` time which also i`m not ready for since i'm too busy working my hearts out for this entire holidays. it was simply work, no rest. it`s hard to balance between work and play and let`s hope i`ll be able to do that once again for this following sem. but i made a silent promise to myself that i`ll work much less.

i`m only 18. it`s the time of my life.

i should be spending more time with my friends and family and quit thinking about earning cash all the time. being ambitious sure motivates me, but what`s most important at the end of my lifetime won`t be the amount that is left to be distributed in my bank account, but how many people were to cry when i die. negative as that may sound, i`m sure there'll also to be many people laughing when i die too, so i`m working on that too.

there are sure ways to make myself a more bearable person; a better person. and i`ll be learning. life`s too short to be wasted, what`s more when i want to be dead by the age of latest 6o. there`s far too many things to be accomplished within the remaining years of my life. time flies too fast. this year sped by like a bullet train, and i can`t take back any of the wrong words i said or any wrong gestures i did. too many things to be constantly reflected upon but too little time. poor time management skills adds to the problem.

turning 18, but i still need to be taught to live life to its fullest.
but at least i`m glad that i actually noticed.

like what many wise ones always advise
"you never miss something until you lose it; you never miss the water till the well runs dry."

2005-10-12T21:33:00.000-07:00

happy 18th birthday rebecca!~ (:

----------------------------------

相爱的两个人，终究会相逢。

-《天国的阶梯》

2005-10-11T21:56:00.000-07:00

note number 1: major diet project to be carried out first thing it strikes 12am, October 12th.

sigh. too many people have reminded me that i`ve "developed and grown horizontally". it`s not just like 1-2 person. it was alot more. blahx. not like i didn`t notice. i was running away from it.
and that`s about enough to spur me towards the goal of returning to 48kg once again. i`m way off that weight now. roar. ): so upsetting.

note number 2: haven`t been in the best state of mind lately.

too many things to think about, too little time to settle them. i can`t spare the time for everything so some issues were neglected or even given up. i can`t blame anybody except myself for making mistakes or asking for trouble time and time again.
what to do? some mistakes were made once and not to be repeated, but dear me just don`t learn. oh well.

note number 3: gg`s gone.

gg left for new york on 10th. will miss him while he`s gone. and i`m proud of him for going there due to like school assignment and all. (: and he did well for his exams! meanwhile, hope he`ll have loads of fun there and miss those back home toooo.

note number 4: i`m still in tb22!

well, after the exams were over, many of us were still worried we might get seperated as a class since that`s what happened to those in the other sem. but apparently, i`m still in tb22! thank goodness for that. ((: i just have to start thinking about which IS modules to select, whether to follow what the rest are intending to take, or just don`t mind being alone and take something i`m hoping i can try. like perhaps a third language or something. *shrugs* we`ll see.

note number 5: present scouting?

for those good souls out there who are preparing to get me birthday presents, anything is fine really. just practical things. those will be great. and thanks for remembering. and wai, my birthday is 20th. not 11th. try remembering our birthdays pls. LOL. see you guys next tues/wed!

2005-10-07T00:31:00.000-07:00

i just seem to remember all the wrong memories.

i wish to be alone at times, though it`s never easy. there`s just too many things that revolve around others...it`s difficult to live this life. when will it all come to an end?

being alone can be the best gift ever. dellia, familiar? i`m starting to agree with you to a certain extent. not totally, but i do think that when your mind is in a total mess, it`s at best you`re left alone.

thinking alone gave me a sense of satisfaction that i didn`t expect to get. and i loved it.

i won`t always give you my hand when you hold out yours.
take risks, take chances. but be prepared to be dumped to the bottom of pits. don`t blame me. i`m just that way. you took the risks, you took the chances. so you - be prepared.

2005-10-05T22:41:00.000-07:00

顺时针
performed by 梁咏琪

淋过雨的空气
疲倦了的伤心
静静收起的伞底
泪的痕迹渐渐退去

我一个人鼓起勇气
跟着时钟一格一格的前进
推开窗等待阳光
等待着清醒

我记忆里的童话
已经慢慢的溶化
爱不是这样
而你偷走我的时间
曾说过的誓言
你还在乎吗

我不想孤单的坐在回忆里逞强
时间回不到最开始的地方
只想这样吹着风
慢慢顺时针遗忘

我一个人应该可以
想起爱过之前原来的自己
或许那样的天真我已经回不去

也许我懂得寂寞比相爱容易

我记忆里的童话
已经慢慢的溶化
爱不是这样
而你偷走我的时间
曾说过的誓言
你还在乎吗

我不想孤单的坐在回忆里逞强
时间回不到最开始的地方
只想这样吹着风
慢慢顺时针遗忘

已经慢慢的溶化爱不是这样
而你偷走我的时间
曾说过的誓言
你还在乎吗

我不想孤单的坐在回忆里逞强
时间回不到最开始的地方
只想这样吹着风
慢慢顺时针遗忘

等到明天继续放晴
几乎忘记下过了雨
爱在心底留的签名
总会慢慢退去

2005-10-03T22:16:00.000-07:00

i`m telling you. the word shagged can`t even express what i`m feeling eversince yesterday.

it`s far more than that. after intensive 9am-6pm of admin work for the first 5 days of the week, followed by 27 hours of straight sai gang at mysg during the weekend. it`s phyiscally and mentally exhausting for my body.

i cant explain why i`m working so hard, and i know it`s not just because of the money.

*shrugs* it`ll all be over in another month`s time. let`s hope i survive that first before school starts again.

btw, happy birthday yin xia! (:

piano
performed by 范逸臣

白键是那一年海的沙滩　浪花的缱绻　
黑键是和你多日不见
弹指间　海岸线　
你的泪　我的眼　
模糊天边

每个人心中都有架钢琴　尘封在回忆　
任凭我只是你的插曲
时间偶尔提起　
钢琴偶尔哭泣　

那些凌乱片段

如果爱还能再重来　
我期待澎湃永远在
oh~~
每次琴盖打开　
便有歌来自大海

如果爱我已不存在　
我希望有一段精采　
让回忆有所感慨

白键是现在我爱到昨天成全你改变　
黑键是原谅我的原谅
好想再弹一遍　
手指却只听见　
你的抱歉

oh~~

如果爱还能再重来　
我期待澎湃永远在
oh~~
每次琴盖打开　
便有歌来自大海

如果爱我已不存在　
我希望有一段精采　
让回忆有所感慨

如果爱我已不存在　
我希望有一段精采　
让回忆有所感慨

oh~~
有所感慨
oh~~

2005-09-30T06:30:00.000-07:00

*correction to my previous entry*

sek siong should have been sek seong. gilfred should have been gilford. lol.

2005-09-26T20:38:00.000-07:00

finally i do have some time to spare to blog an entry.

you might ask, what have i been busy with ever since exams were over? well, my answer to that is work, work and perhaps some play?
well, i was looking intensively for a job during the first week of holidays. i even went with huiling to recruit express in hopes to get job opportunities faster. however, to my utmost dismay, they failed to contact either of us after like an entire week and still pending. pathetic. thank goodness i did not plain rely on an agency to get myself a job and kept looking on my own.

with that, i actually managed to get myself a job successful through recruit of the straits times. the newspapers never fails. (: so, i`m actually working at driasia - Disaster Recovery Institute of Asia. doing data entry currently and perhaps telemarketing when fidelia (the program executive cum my in-charge) thinks i`m ready. i was well, slightly disappointed when she told me that she could only give me $5.50 per hour due to my lack of experience in these fields, but i accepted the offer to go try out the job last thursday. so then, last thursday was my first day of work in an office. prim and proper for once. not one of those jobs that i`m running around, doing hard core chores and related. well, kinda new and fresh so i guess the job isn`t bad so far. met several new colleagues including fidelia, sek siong, rahim, lily, jenny, simon and gilfred. and the boss dr. goh. they`re all nice people to work with. thank god. oh yeah, and another new girl joyce that joined us today. i guess everything`s been cool, just that i feel alil too young to be in an office (i`m not trying to be rude or anything) and i can`t be as like hyper as per normal. so yeah, kinda weird. and yeah, the good news at the end of today was that i`m actually getting $6 per hour after fidelia have seen my performance for the past 3 days and was kinda pleased with that. so i`m a happy girl.

anyway, even though i`ve found myself another job, i`m definitely still with my secret garden. my plan this month is to make money. so, weekdays reserved for driasia and weekends for mysg. so that even if i do have to leave driasia when my school reopens, i still have mysg. okay, i know that`s kinda bad but since mysg can`t give us all the schedule that i can give, i`ll just look for alternatives to keep myself alive and kicking. but all`s been cool so far. so yeah.

went to esplanade on friday with seance without adel and we took tonnes of hilarious photos. it wasn`t all that fantastic food for dinner but well, enjoyed everything with you guys all the same. ((: we shall do that again soon. let`s set another day to head out again! and let`s find new places to go instead of having to like be always with the rest of the singapore crowd. and yeah, i`m proud to be the last seventeen year old around now. haaaa. blahx.

//speaking of which, i think this holidays for me would be more relaxing despite the fact that i`m having 2 jobs concurrently. why? because like i have my week nights free and the work at driasia is pretty managable. it`s not hard to accustom to them at all. besides, i have more room to breathe now. i feel at ease recently, i don`t know why. although i know it could all be much much better but at least there is some form of improvement. my mood weren`t at its best maybe like a few weeks back, but it seems like the weather have cleared up abit.

and i`m glad for that. really. i hope everything`s going to get better. no doubt it was a fulfilling part of my life to look back at. kids do grow up you know, this could just be my turn that`s all.

2005-09-19T01:37:00.000-07:00

i`ve been complaining about life.
too much.
and then it`s not like i didn`t know that,
life`s too precious to be given up.
there`s just too many things and people you can`t bear to let go.

everytime i seem to tell myself to look at the bright side, the positive. but as much as i know that should be the way, i tend to reflect negatively. why do people always give unduly high weightage to negative information? it`s unfair isn`t it?

i`ve mentioned to people before. i`m exhausted. for a long time now. and i`m perfectly aware that just by resting for 1 or 2 days is no solution in the long term. it`s the emotional unstability and uproar that`s screwing me upside down. but i`ve no clue on how to unwind and be carefree again. is it even possible to get myself out of this pit?

i`ve been trying to be happy. i really am.
but i end up asking myself questions i know i asked before and will ask again.
it has officially become a steady rountine now.
i give thanks for many things, i do. but there`s just too many other things to be totally upset about. i can`t name them offhand though. but it`s just that kind of feeling that you know? you aren`t happy. and i am not running away from that.

i changed. those around me changed too. at different stages of life, people will react differently to different issues. but now, being able to accept new ideas and opinions is important to me, because that allows me to grow, mentally. maybe that`s what you call becoming more open-minded, but i beg to differ. that`s more like a seed maturing to a young plant.

maturing.

perhaps that`s what i`m experiencing. and you are too. i keep telling others that all the bad times won`t stay, that after all this, you will become stronger. you`ll mature into someone beautiful. that no one else expect you to be that beautiful. you`ll be originally you. and no one else can replace. uniqueness is a gift. and please don`t waste that.

i`m not good with words, so i won`t play around with them.

i just want to say i love all those that`s by me right now. you may hate me, feel like punching me; strangling me; whacking me; killing me at times, but please don`t leave me.
being totally helpless at times doesn`t give you or me any reason to despise ourselves.
let me learn. let me mature. and when finally i do grow up, and perhaps have a chance of being someone beautifully changed, you`ll be there to share my joy. just right there, next to me.

2005-09-14T23:49:00.000-07:00

performed by: 石康军
黑夜过後

我是说真的
你如果累了
别犹豫
随时都
能来找我

我不善言语
但愿意陪你
让你至少不孤单
渡过难眠的夜晚

不管夜多漫长
天终究会明亮

黑夜过後
第一道阳光
是为了融化你心中的霜
闹过哭过当力气全耗光
发现你只是又爱了一场

黑夜过後的
另一个早上
是最後一次和他说晚安
你要相信你比想像勇敢
逃离夜的捆绑
奔向日出的方向
(像夜会过天终究会再亮)

love this song. ((:

2005-09-14T00:49:00.000-07:00

performed by 张学友
我真的受伤了

窗外阴天了音乐低声了
我的心开始想你了

灯光也暗了音乐低声了
口中的棉花糖也融化了
窗外阴天了人是无聊了
我的心开始想你了

电话响起了你要说话了
还以为你心里对我又想念了
怎么你声音变得冷淡了
是你变了是你变了

灯光熄灭了音乐静止了
滴下的眼泪已停不住了
天下起雨了人是不快乐
我的心真的受伤了

2005-09-13T00:36:00.000-07:00

the whole long entry that i`ve just finished typing just turned out to be "a page that cannot be displayed". it teaches me once again to always copy my entry content before clicking "publish post". oh dammit.

let me start once more.

survived two exam papers so far - blaw and cma. both of my performance are just mediocre, or maybe worse. so i`m actually not going to talk much about them. just that cma was perhaps the hardest poly paper that i`ve ever taken, or let me rephrase by saying it`s the most depressing paper ever.

exams. *roll eyes*

on a sidenote, happy birthday yang!!! (it was originally typed before 12am, but now that it`s gone, it`s more like belated) hope you were really indeed surprised by our surprise visit at your doorstep with the cake, sparklers and party poppers! are you touched? you better be! or at least give us some credit for not actually totally forgoing any celebration and braving the bad weather just to get to your house! ((: and me with my cake attack, right on your face! it was fun! lol. happy birthday again!

moving on, i`m finally done with the korean drama 《巴厘岛的故事》, but it has such a wasted ending can?! all the 3 main characters actually died!!! there`s are just these common fatal problems with korean dramas. firstly, they are draggy, like taiwan drama series. and secondly, they have stupid endings that make followers feel they were just slapped in the face. moreover, in this show, when finally the 2 characters that i wanted so much to end up together, did get together... guess what happens next? yeah, they were killed by the 3rd main character. what kind of ending is that?!

%%$%^&*(&))((()*&^$%$#$%%#^

the problem with me is that i`m often so engrossed with the contents of the drama that i`ll even think of the show when i`m not watching! roar! what`s the problem with me man! but overall, i must say that the show was much better than i thought and it was not as predictable. and the 2 main male characters (that all died in the end) are like cute lah! even my mother agrees. they`re not my typical "cute" definition, but they just are, despite their small-like-dellia`s eyes. LOL. typical koreans - small eyes.

ok, i just realised i rumbled about a korean drama for 2 whole paragraphs.

but that`s the point, isn`t it. =P

oh btw to kim and wai:
i`m shallow but not that shallow can....
i admit i did mention that i hope to be married to a rich man, but that`s to push myself to my ultimate goal. because being as ambitious as i am, i aim to be rich first myself before looking for someone of the same level, or even higher. it`s my kind of theory. (:
and thanks for offering. but we are 2 very different people. there`s no chemistry, biology, physics and whatsoever you guys study in jc. just study hard and pull through all the stupid exams before you start rendering some matchmaking service for your best friend over here. lol.

2005-09-08T00:33:00.000-07:00

小唯：
美朱，你知道吗？“朱雀” 就是凤凰，凤是雄的，凰是雌的。。。又称为不死鸟。
只要在火焰中结合了，不管再转生多少次。。。他们都永远不会分离，它象征宿命的爱。

《梦幻游戏-13》

原来幸福和痛苦只不过一线之差。那为什么可以选择的你，偏偏只看得见痛苦？
路是你自己走出来得。与其埋伏在悲伤里头，倒不如勇敢地面对。

谈何容易。

傲慢的你，万万也没想到，你就像平凡的人一样的脆弱。
果然，没见过世界的你，被现实的残酷搞得遍体鳞伤。
简简单单的愿望结果一个也没实现。
付出那么多，倒头来却什么也没有。那样值得吗？

我相信，所以你也要有信心，你真的可以选择远离悲伤，走向新的方向、新的开始。

你会在走完以后，发觉自己长大了。坚强起来吧！你可以的-

2005-09-04T13:34:00.000-07:00

他对她说：
我们是注定的吧？

她呆着回答：
啊？

他继续：
不是你说的吗？
多次的偶然是注定.
那我们是注定的吧？

-《巴厘岛的故事》

2005-09-02T23:10:00.000-07:00

you know it yourself.
that the more you want and need something to happen.
the more it won`t.

lying to yourself might make you feel better.
maybe you would want to try that out?

*shrugs
when you have nothing else in mind, anything`s worth a try.

2005-09-02T02:12:00.000-07:00

we were born to forget.

be it unintentional or on purpose. some things are just bound to be forgotten. give it some time, and it would at the back of your mind, or not gone from it totally.

i`m back to the blogging momentum again. i used to rely so much on putting down my thoughts into some kind of journal, so that i can always look back and reflect. and it works. at least all the lessons learnt are put into somewhere.
at least then it won`t be forgotten. or even if it was, it can be refreshed once again in my memory.

my mind is like totally messed up, driving me up the wall.
even sometimes, i get tired from talking myself out of wasting time and effort in things.
maybe i am really feigning a front, forcing my denfensive mode to emerge out of me.
maybe i do look too strong to crumble, too independent to be weak.

i happen to ask myself...
what actually matters to me?
why is it just so hard to be happy?
even as i know that i`m far from happy, i don`t seem to know what i want. or what i need to do to be slightly happier.
and i realise i ask myself these questions before. and i know i`ll ask them again.
and i`m not going to be sick of this.

the irony of life is life itself. it never fails to drive people in circles, trying to find solutions to problems and answers to questions.

when then would i have all my endless questions answered?
and all my problems solved?
would that make me happy?
to be honest, i actually don`t think so.
that is me. a confused and baffled soul-

2005-09-01T00:52:00.000-07:00

i felt lethargic the whole day. probably because i slept for too long.
but at least it was good sleeping for about 10 hours, since i`ve lost so much sleep during the past few weeks.

but anyway on a side note, happy teacher`s day! (:

//random thoughts-
life is torturing. at least to an extent, to me.
and sometimes i do wonder, why am i doing all these things, when all i`m feeling is exhaustion?
and my answer seems to be the fact that it`s human nature. the need for survival and acceptance. among people made us behave this way.
fragility of life and relationships really sets me off in deep thoughts. and as i`m talking to adel, i always feel comforted to know that she`s there for me, and i hope she knows i`m there for her too.
like she mentioned, although we may be literally far apart, the relationship still stays close to heart. and she`s not forgotten. by any one of us back home. (:

i emerged stronger, but still the emotions lingers. and sometimes i can be so affected by it. far too many complications to mention, my heart`s all confused. i realise there are so many needs to fulfill but it never happens that way. things don`t always turn out the way we want them to. in fact, it can end up as the biggest weapon against us.
it`s just that i know that surface things don`t satisfy me anymore. what i really need is someone who`s willing to know me like a best friend, stick by me and carry me through.
but it`s always s0 much easier said than done.

i need a hug.

2005-08-31T01:56:00.000-07:00

i love my new skin!
it`s time to start anew.
with all else left behind, i`m just going to hang on to them as memories.

2005-08-31T00:26:00.000-07:00

at long last, now that all the projects and lectures almost all over, there`s nothing much to add to the burden of the final sem exams. of course, i`m still not prepared for exams at all though.

finally meeting up with kim, wai and yongthieng on thursday to chill out for awhile before studying. time to catch up guys! pity gg`s got school and final projects to rush and all. and adel! you`re missing out! i miss you dearly darling! let`s chat online some time soon again! (:

to be honest, i`m already in the holiday mood. why are there exams in the first place anyway? roar. i`ve already got myself so many plans, i can`t wait to go about carrying them out to really study for the papers themselves. 4 papers. just the thought of it makes me feel sick. i need some motivation to make me study, but there`s none at this point in time. =P

i think working for this whole sem distracted me very much. but i`m not blaming anyone except myself. and i`ve all along expected this to happen, so now i`ll have to stop working for awhile to catch up all those that i`ve missed within this 2 weeks. let`s just hope that works. i`ve got my own expectations to meet and not to forget my parents`. they have not stressed me out in any way, but obviously i want not to disappoint them and their silent wishes. oh well. that`s life for you.

the only motivating factor that can continue to push me on is the entire month of holiday-
and that`s about it. oh please.

//oh by the way, happy 18th birthday sharon! ((: meet up soon!

performed by 梁静茹

分手快乐

我无法帮你预言
委曲求全有没有用
可是我多么不舍
朋友爱的那么苦痛
爱可以不问对错
至少有喜悦感动
如果他总为别人撑伞
你何苦非为他等在雨中

泡咖啡让你暖手
想挡挡你心口里的风
你却想上街走走
吹吹冷风会清醒得多
你说你不怕分手
只有点遗憾难过

情人节就要来了
剩自己一个
其实爱对了人
情人节每天都过

分手快乐祝你快乐
你可以找到更好的
不想过冬厌倦沉重
就飞去热带的岛屿游泳

分手快乐请你快乐
挥别错的才能和对的相逢
离开旧爱像坐慢车
看透彻了心就会是晴朗的

没人能把谁的幸福没收
你发誓你会活的有笑容

你自信时候真的美多了

//i suffered past the rough patch. and i emerged much stronger.

2005-08-29T00:18:00.000-07:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

2005-08-23T19:26:00.000-07:00

performed by trademark

miss you finally

but i miss you finally
but i miss you finally
try to remember all these years
we shared the love we shared the tears
thought that forever it would be
i realize you lie to me
i still hold on
still dream of days when we were one

you played with my heart
you played with my mind
but i miss you finally
right from the start
my love made me blind
but i miss you finally
all of these promises you made
this four letter word it seems to

baby it`s hard to understand
now that you`re gone
we reached the end
i still believe
still dream of the days when we were one

you played with my heart
you played with my mind
but i miss you finally
right from the start
my love made me blind
but i miss you finally
all of these promises you made
this four letter word it seems to

you played with my heart
you played with my mind
but i miss you finally
right from the start
my love made me blind
but i miss you finally
all of these promises you made
this four letter word it seems to

you played with my heart
you played with my mind
but i miss you finally
right from the start
my love made me blind
but i miss you finally
all of these promises you made
this four letter word it seems to

you played with my heart
you played with my mind
right from the start
my love made me blind

2005-08-15T17:06:00.000-07:00

she`s not one that everyone loves.

and she`ll never be.

she`ll not even try.

she`s tired of living.

so don`t push it.

don`t push her.

so strong on the outside but just too weak,

she`s so near the point of self destruction.

2005-08-13T01:16:00.000-07:00

performed by 范玮琪

没那么爱他

你有权利情绪化
你不一定要坚强
但有些事情
不能伪装
别为自己设了框

我懂失去的悲伤
也懂进退的挣扎
但想起过去
都是失望
又何必要放不下

是习惯还是爱
不放心还不甘心
只有你自己知道解答

其实你没有那么爱他
真的不需要那么想他
编织过的梦想
自己也可以抵达
谁说一定要有他

其实你没有那么爱他
没有深陷到不可自拔
认清了真心话
你就放得下

我懂失去的悲伤
也懂进退的挣扎
但想起过去
都是失望
又何必要放不下

是习惯还是爱
不放心还不甘心
只有你自己知道解答

其实你没有那么爱他
真的不需要那么想他
编织过的梦想
自己也可以抵达
谁说一定要有他

其实你没有那么爱他
没有深陷到不可自拔
认清了真心话
你就放得下

深呼吸
抬头望
发现天空很宽广
这世界那么大
幸福总会在某个地方

其实你没有那么爱他
真的不需要那么想他
拥有过的计划
留给值得的对象
你知道不会是他

其实你没有那么爱他
没有深陷到不可自拔
认清了真心话
你就放得下

认清了真心话
你就放得下

//happy 18th birthday dellia! hope you had fun with us today! and like the cake from patissier! (:

2005-08-09T21:07:00.000-07:00

to all singaporeans,
happy national day!

i have actually no idea what to to blog about. enlighten me.

thanks eh- after watching shooting stars. that`s about all i can say.

lethargic. melanchony.
no one left to rely. but that`s the route i chose. i got to stick by it.
no matter how many times, my decision is final.
and i`m glad i did.

performed by backstreet boys

all i gave to give

i don`t know what he does to make you cry
but i`ll be there to smile
i don`t have a fancy car
to get to you i`ll walk a thousand miles
i don`t care if he buys you nice things
does his gifts come from the heart?
i don`t know
but if you were my girl
i`d make it so we`d never be apart

but my love is all i have to give
without you i don`t think i could live
i wish i could give the world to you
but love is all i have to give

when you talk does it seems like he`s not
even listening to a word you say?
that`s okay babe, just tell me your problems
i`ll try my best to kiss them all away
does he leave when you need him the most?
does his friends get all the time?
baby please
i`m on my knees
praying for the day that you`ll be mine

but my love is all i have to give
without you i don`t think i could live
i wish i could give the world to you
but love is all i have to give

to you hey girl i don`t want you to cry no more inside
all the money in the worldcould never add up to all the love
i have inside i love you

and i will give it to you
all i can give all i can give
everything i have is for you
but love is all i have to give

but my love is all i have to give
without you i don`t think i could live
i wish i could give the world to you
but love is all i have to give

but my love is all i have to give
without you i don`t think i could live
i wish i could give the world to you
but love is all i have to give

but my love is all i have to give
without you i don`t think i could live
i wish i could give the world to you
but love is all i have to give

but my love is all i have to give
without you i don`t think i could live
i wish i could give the world to you
but love is all i have to give to you

2005-08-07T13:02:00.000-07:00

all i wanted was for both of us to be happy. even if it had to hurt you now.

i guess it might not be the best solution.
i might have been selfish.

what we gave each other was the best we could give each other, but i guess it`s just not enough to keep this going. i appreciate what you gave me, really i do. but you just don`t understand that as much as i want this to work. it was just beyond what we could do.

to put it cold hard down. we don`t understand each other and what we are looking for.
it`s as simple as that.

you`ve been great. but i believe you deserve more than i can give.

2005-08-02T22:28:00.000-07:00

performed by corrinne may
save me

i drift, i burn, i fly
when you sing lullabies
i`m helpless, i`m yearning
i`m like the putty in your hands

i laugh, i dream, i cry
when you take me on a roller coaster ride
you see me through and through
you see just who i am
just take my hand and

save me from this place
heaven knows i`m falling
for you, my sweet embrace
heaven knows
heaven knows i`ve been waiting for you

i had a dream that i
was falling from the sky
at 90 miles an hour
i was bound to crash and die
but out of nowhere you came to rescued me
there must be some grace in the touch of your face
im so happy that i`ve found you

i`m no longer afraid

oh `cause you
save me from this place
heaven knows i`m falling
for you my sweet embrace
heaven knows
heaven knows i`m waiting for you

before i met you
life was slow-mo
so slow-mo
i thought i had it figured out
but you came and turned my world upside down

save me from this place
heavens knows i`m falling
for you my sweet embrace
heaven knows
heaven knows i`m waiting for you

save me from this place
heavens knows i`m falling
for you my sweet embrace
heaven knows
heaven knows i`m waiting for you

2005-07-31T11:52:00.000-07:00

the past week went by so quickly i could barely believe it.
and it`s already august. my goodness.

it was a busy week, and this coming one is not going to be any better.
my life is just revolving around school, projects, test and work. and not to add the occassional peer-tutoring and the zoo trainings. i`ve got no time for myself. and i`m super sick of all of this.

i`m like not putting in effort for both work and school. i`m like half-hearted in all the things that i do. and that really makes me feel worse. because as much as i want to do well in school, i know that i can`t stop working to concentrate fully.

too many things bothers me. too little time to settle them or to even think through the options.

//what did i get myself into this time?

all that i`m showing was perhaps all like a mask, and only a few people can see through that. are you one of those?

what i need i`m not getting.
if you could really be there, let me know.

2005-07-25T10:19:00.000-07:00

too tired to blog. i`m sick of living.

i miss- i don`t deserve.

you don`t have to see through me every single time.
i may be stupid, but i`m not dumb.
i know i contradict myself every single time.

but you know what? i just love this fishing game.
i`m born to play.

//and come on, how often do you get the best of both worlds?

it`s not you dont.
you never.

2005-07-20T13:31:00.000-07:00

i try to hide my hurt and displeasure, but you know it`s ever so hard.
i try to not let my emotions and thoughts bring me too far, but it`s too strong to be resisted.

i try. but everytime i feel brusied and banged- everytime.
if i told you i`m okay, i must be hell lying.

i just can`t stop thinking.

2005-07-17T22:54:00.000-07:00

random thought:

being with someone is like an addiction.
you`ve held someone once, you`ll want to be able to hold again.
you`ve been embraced once and you`ll want more.
when then do you know this is the one that you don`t want to let go? ever again?

2005-07-14T22:42:00.000-07:00

celebrated gg`s birthday yesterday. way belated. we went to sketches at bugis before heading to the airport. adel went back to melborne already. it sure didn`t feel like she was around for more than a month. i felt quite bad cos i couldn`t spend much time with her but at least it`s comforting to know that she`ll soon be back in december again. till then, take care girl! (:

someone please wish me luck cos i need that alot for CMA paper tomorrow. i sure did my revision but i`m pretty sure i`ll blank out for the paper tomorrow. never have i felt so ill-prepared for a core module paper before. in fact, i feel unprepared for all the 4 papers that i`m going to take. i`ve just started alil revision for fmgt, and i`ve not touch both hrm and blaw. i don`t need anyone to tell me i`m dead. cos i know that.

not really looking forward to working on saturday, not just because the other 2 girls aren`t working, but i just plain weak and lethargic about it, maybe because of several reasons. as much as i need the money to survive, i just can`t bring myself to work happily the past few times at work. i`m not sure if it`s because it`s the time of the month or i`m just not happy. beats me. i need some answers myself too. *shrugs. i`ve lost it.

//chalet next week? i`ll think about it.

by the way, happy birthday dad!

2005-07-10T15:20:00.000-07:00

performed by backstreet boys

incomplete

empty spaces fill me up with holes
distant faces with no place left to go
without you within in i can`t find no rest
where i`m going is anybody`s guess

i`ve tried to go on like i never knew you
i`m awake but my world is half asleep
i pray for this heart to be unbroken
but without you all i`m going to be is incomplete

voices tell me i should carry on
but i am swimming in an ocean all alone
baby, my baby
it`s written on your face
you still wonder if we made a big mistake

i`ve tried to go on like i never knew you
i`m awake but my world is half asleep
i pray for this heart to be unbroken
but without you all i`m going to be is incomplete

i don`t mean to drag it on
but i can`t seem to let you go
i don`t wanna let you face this world alone
i wanna let you go (alone)

i`ve tried to go on like i never knew you
i`m awake but my world is half asleep
i pray for this heart to be unbroken
but without you all i`m going to be is incomplete

incomplete

2005-07-10T13:36:00.000-07:00

i did a test and turned out to be type b.

TYPE B

You are a more active person, drawing a clear line between happiness and unhappiness. You are more quick-tempered. If you encounter things you like, you will do it without second thought. But once you encounter things that you hate, you will wish to get out of it as soon as possible. As you are a person of your own views,the friends you tend to have will be of the same pattern. But once good friends, you will understand them a lot and go all the way to help them. Friends are very dependent on you. As you are too emotional, you may make a storm out of a teacup with your friends. You must learn to do things in order and not give up easily. You can try making friends with those you don't think you can get along with, don't stick with the same category. This will make you more popular and charming.

//i guess it`s quite true? it describes me almost entirely. of cos there are parts that i don`t quite agree with, but at least it`s close enough. (:

i`m out of the phase whereby i was all moody and grumbling almost every entry (although i`m suppose to be in that mood now since it`s coming =P). but no matter how much i hate to grumble, i just had to let out some steam in the entries earlier before this.

i realise i always tend to tell myself how stupid i was at the end of things, to have always put in so much effort and heart into something i maybe shouldn`t have had. cos what i want to receive often differ very much with what i`m getting. but it`s the duration of the whole incident that taught me lessons and values didn`t it. even if it was just a plain waste of my time through out, at least i was happy for awhile before the hurtful things happened.

my soul`s all confused and exhausted.
but time moves on, leaving me at my wit`s end.
my mind`s a whirl, i can`t read myself.
baffled by life`s test, i`ve lost myself.

don`t blame other people for what they have done to you. just blame yourself.
i miss you. don`t ask me why, i just do.

2005-07-05T01:04:00.000-07:00

term break next week.
common test beginning next friday.
gosh. i`m so dead.

i think that 3 lines spoke quite alot already. i`m really busy lately, and i think it`s really quite exhausting to juggle work, studies, play and others activities. just looking at this week already i`m so packed to the brim. i spent today in school and meeting wailreng, kim and adelene after that. i have peert tutoring sessions for tomorrow and thursday. full day in school for wednesday. gg birthday celebration on friday. and i`m working on both saturday and sunday.
tell me more about being busy.

and where am i going to find time to study for my upcoming common test on the 15th, 18th, 19th and 22nd? somebody save me. i need extra help for cma. and i`m not exactly fantastic in hrm, fmgt and blaw either. i`m scared already. i`ve got my own expectations to reach! ahhhh. this is not good. not good at all.

4b`03 class gathering on last sat. it didn`t exactly turn out well cos i guess we didn`t really have much to talk about. i`m not sure how the rest felt about it, but i guess i sort of expected it more or less to turn out how it did, and it was like more of a clique outing than a class gathering really. it was always this group of people talking to each other and just a fraction of our time was really spent "talking as a class". but at least we got to see each other, which i guess was the redeeming factor. cheri came as well, and it was good catching up old times. our class didn`t exactly distant, but i guess there was some awkwardness somewhere somewhat. and i guess the fact was there was not much activities we could do as a class cos there was far too many of us and far too unplanned.
but i`m just glad that at least we did put in the effort to have this class gathering. so cheers! (:

was out with adel, wai and kim after school. kim joined us for awhile and left. the remaining 3 of us went over to esplanade and we did our usual - talking. well, i must say we didn`t just talk rubbish. in fact i realise we spoke more seriously every successive time. perhaps indeed we are all growing up and becoming more mature, and i must say it feels good to be able to confide in the 2 of them cos they know what i`m talking about. not like others can`t, but it just comes naturally and there`s just nothing to hide when i`m with them or just seance as a whole. my comfort zone i must say. and everytime i know their advise truly comes from their hearts and it`s their form of concern and all. and i`m just grateful to have you people. so thanks for listening!

alrighty. time to grab some sleep. have got to rush fmgt presentation preparations for tomorrow and i`ve got to be alert for peer tutoring session as well. i hope i don`t meet with tough questions and those students that signed up aren`t like me! if not, it`s sure to be alot of trouble! =P

i`m gone.

2005-06-28T01:26:00.000-07:00

just came back from work. been working quite abit lately and i`m just glad for the past 3 days, paul doesn`t stay for long or just don`t turn up at all. cos when he`s around? i can`t work properly. i mean he`s just disturbing all of us if he doesn`t realises it. and he`s just making things difficult instead of helping. so i rather he not turn up at all. =D i hope i remain this lucky.

common test in about 2-3 weeks` time? i`m not even sure. and i`ve got peer tutoring sessions coming up. i`m starting to regret slightly to have agreed to teach cos i`ve got to start revising macro. i don`t want to end up screwing the year 1s that`s gonna be in my class. lol. have to attend a briefing about the tutoring this coming wednesday at blk 72 after school. let`s just hope my class got very little for sign ups. then i`ll feel much better about teaching.

ecd proj presentation due on wednesday and you still don`t see my team panicking when our powerpoint is not even half done. i have no idea why. i mean i do have the sense of urgency that it must be done and finished, but there`s just this lack of effort and motivation from me this semester. i feel mentally drained (i noticed myself saying that in every single entry lately) but i just can`t help it. i realise i know nuts about cma after 5 weeks and this is the 6th week already. gosh. i`m gonna so die for the paper. fmgt is still managable but the project is due this friday and my team have not even really gotten down to business for it as well. tell me more about efficiency someone. and look, i`m not shooting any members of the team. if i am, i`ve prob stabbed myself in the heart a few times too.

and i remind myself once again - to cut down on working hours and increase revising hours.
it`s a must. so next week. just 2 days of work. no more. no less. it`s final.
i really need to get down to business and start working on my modules. if not, i`m so gonna die for the common test and that is not what i want. my parents would start on their lecturing that work is distracting me too much and they`ll prob bar me from continuing. and that cannot happen. i need cash and allowance. and i`m not asking them for it. so. the only way out is to continue working, whether anot i like the boss or whatsoever other reasons.

i dunno. there`s just too many things going on at the same time that my mind can`t seem to process it all at one go and it gets clogged up. besides that, there`s just not enough time for me to complete what i need to do everyday. i realise sometimes i end up asking questions like how come there aren`t 36 hours a day? so that i can have more time for myself, for friends, for homework, for revising and for rest. i`ve not slept well for like months? my pimples are constantly coming out (not that i`m really that vain about it but it`s a sign.) and my moods are getting from bad to worse. it`s just hard on my body. i know that perfectly well, but there seem to be no particular solution.

and i`m telling you. you don`t have to tell me that i haven`t sounded happy in my recent past entries.
cos i know that.

performed by michelle branch

till i get over you

everytime i feel alone
i can blame it on you
and i do
oh you got me like a loaded gun
golden sun
and the sky`s so blue
oh we both know
that we want it
but we both know
you left me no choice

Chaque fois que tu t'en vas
you just bring me down
Je pretends que tout va bien
so i count my tears
till i get over you

sometimes i watch the world go by
i wonder what it`s like
oh to wake up every single day
smile on your face
you never try

we both know
we can`t change it
but we both now
we`ll just have to face it

chaque fois que tu t`en vas
you just bring me down
je pretends que tout va bien
so i`m counting my tears
till i get over you

if only i
could give you up
would i want to let you out?
from this soulbuzz baby

we both know
that we want it
but we both know
you left me no choice

chaque fois que tu t`en vas
you just bring me down
je pretends que tout va bien
oh so i`m counting my tears
till i get over you oh

chaque fois que tu t`en vas
je pretends que tout va bien
oh we both know
that i`m not over you
la de le de aye ay

i`m not over you

2005-06-23T00:35:00.000-07:00

i feel drained. quite physically and emotionally.

i go to school each day feeling like a dead fish. and practicing a routine over and over. i`m quite sick and tired of this lifestyle and none of the modules actually motivate me. ah crap.

my mind can`t seem to be concentrating and i`m damn easily distracted. easily agitated and annoyed just by the slightest things and i can`t seem to control my emotions. it`s like this secret that you have to hold on to by yourself `cos you know no one can provide you with any solutions or much advice except yourself.

it`s gonna be my own will pulling me through this time.

i hate myself for who i am and what i do.

2005-06-21T01:04:00.000-07:00

performed by 梦飞船

不值得

除了想你
除了爱你
我什么什么都愿意
翻开日记
整理心情
我真的真的想放弃
你始终没有爱过
你在敷衍我
一次一次忽略我的感受
我真的感到力不从心
无力继续

这感情
不值得我犹豫
不值得我考虑
不值得我爱过你

这种回忆
不值得我提起
不值得想起
不值得哭泣

这段感情
早就应该放弃
早就不该让我浪费时间
找奇迹
这样的你
不值得我恨你
不值得我为你
而坏了心情

我决定不为你而毁了心
放弃爱你

all time favourite song. and i can`t help feeling especially close.